a practical guide to becoming a true pun master

1. accept that no pun is actually Good, but that the true nature of a good pun is to be so terrible that it becomes good.
2. say every pun that occurs to you. i’m so serious about this, sometimes the most well received puns will be ones you considered not saying.
3. ALWAYS laugh at your own puns, even if nobody else is. (especiallyif nobody else is.)
4. know that you are hilarious. puns are a limitless resource and you have taken it as your duty to bring this gift to humanity. you are a hero.

I’m always like, “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP!”

I’m always like, “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP!” 

But then I realize I have no idea what I would do if I actually got one. 

What do I do after I get it? Like, do I need to take the person for walks? What do I feed them? I can’t cook that well. I had to look up a diagram to learn how to cut a pepper properly.

But now I can cut peppers really well.
So there’s that. 

when you’re sad for no reason

I hate when you’re sad for no reason; you’re with people, you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re laughing and smiling, but at the same time it almost feels like you’re not there. You keep dazing in and out of conversations, you cant focus on one single thing. And once you’re by yourself you don’t want to do anything, you’re sad and feel alone. Someone asks you what’s wrong and you want to tell them, but you don’t even know what’s wrong yourself.

Letting Go...

I was the type of person,

That held onto things too tight,

Unable to release my grip,

When it no longer felt right,

And although it gave me blisters,

And my fingers would all ache,

I always thought that holding on,

Was worth the pain it takes,

I used to think I’m losing things,

I’d lose part of me too,

That slowly I’d become someone,

My heart no longer knew,

Then one day something happened,

I dropped what I had once held dear,

But my soul became much lighter,

Instead of filled with fear,

And it taught my heart that some things,

Aren’t meant to last for long,

They arrive to teach you a lesson,

And then continue on,

You don’t have to cling to people,

Who no longer make you smile,

Or do something you’ve come to hate,

If it isn’t worth your while,

That sometimes the thing you’re fighting for,

Isn’t wort the cost,

And not everything you ever lose,

Is bound to be a loss.

Don’t go around thinking nobody likes you

“Think of how many people have sat next to you on a bus, train, whatever. Now think how many people have sat next to you on purpose with their fingers crossed in hope that you’ll talk to them. I’m sure somebody has. There’s plenty of times when somebody’s seen you and hoped that you spoke to them, but you never did because you don’t have the guts and neither do they. Don’t go around thinking nobody likes you and that you’re not loved. There’s been plenty of times when a stranger has spotted you and thought “Oh, they’re just my type” but haven’t had the courage or confidence to open their mouth and initiate a conversation. The funny thing is, neither have you.”

why celsius/centigrade is better than fahrenehenheit

1. easier to spell
2. all water below 0 is ice. easy and logical
3. all water above 100 is steam. easy and logical
4. if it’s 1 degree outside one day and 10 degrees the next you can literally say it’s 10x warmer and you aren’t even exaggerating

why farhenininheniehenhet is better than centigrate/celsius

1. it isn’t

I am not a clever man

medusa, trying to turn you to stone

medusa, trying to turn you to stone, but you accidentally called her “melissa” when you first walked in and now you’re too embarrassed to look at her. “it’s alright” she keeps saying “i get it all the time” but you still won’t look. u don’t even remember the stone thing until later

Most bad ass guy ever

Euphoria.

You are special to me.

The one who I wouldn’t mind losing sleep for

The one who I never get tired of talking to

The one who crosses my mind constantly throughout the day

The one who can make me smile without trying

Bring my mood down without the intention to

And affect my emotions with every action of yours

I remember when you meant nothing to me

I wasn’t aware of your existence,

It’s bizarre how a person could mean nothing to you

But in a matter of hours, days, weeks, or months mean a lot to you

Even if they make your heart drown in a sea of regret

And leave hurricane of bittersweet memories behind

I’m jealous of people who get to see you everyday

You make me laugh

You make me smile

You smart

You different

You’re sometimes awkward & a little crazy

But that’s why I feel this way about you

Always remember these things;

I’m here

I’ll wait

You’re worth every mile between us.

When you find someone that can make you laugh

Smile, grow, Lust, Want, Crave, Feel

Make you mad but happy

Keep That.

That’s Euphoria.

You are not mine,

But sometimes

I pretend that

You wish you were

I create this idea

That you secretly

Want me

And I often forget

It’s just something

I’ve made up

You do not want me,

And you are not mine

I guess I turned out liking you a lot than originally planned

I wish you were still just a human to me,

I don’t want to look at you and see poetry.

i wonder if anybody’s actually had feelings for me,

 like actually got upset or mad over little things i did

and got jealous and confused over me

and thought about me on a regular basis.

 i feel like i’m the only person that ever really cares about anyone

and that nobody’s ever felt that way for me.

You taught me how to feel butterflies over and over again

So many words I could use,

Yet none seem to be able to describe exactly how I feel about you.

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them,

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.

the scream of the universe.

So there they are, more words. Collected by the very mind I question. 

Heart and soul the jury.  Prisoner of time in passing, in innocence I weep.

Tears trace the lines in my face. Another scream not spared by heaven.

Her dark abyss covering as fog, left to my devices I struggle.

No light to shine, burden of my mind.

How far shall I go before eyes can see what the rest of me knows is out there.

Does the weight of my life hold down the marker?

Shall the flesh of her skin not become my touch?

Her breath, my breath.  

Her heartbeat, the rhythm of my march.

Lay down my hear.  My words. My breath. My touch. My passion. My embrace.

The hands which hold her. My joy. My sorrow. My all.

I am empty, a vessel in waiting.

Carved from the pain of loneliness. Holding for great love.

So these are the words scattered through a field of stars.

Tangled amongst them looking for the brightest.

The one that dims the others.

The scream of the universe.

Dearest You.. From Me.

Dearest You,

It’s been over a year since we broke up. You have someone new; I’ve recently gotten back together with the ex from before you. Maybe these relationships will work out better for us. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about you, though. Isn’t it funny how we don’t even talk anymore? Even though we said we’d still be best friends? You were my best friend, you know. I can’t believe how much you let me lean on you for three years, now that I think about it. That wasn’t fair to you. There was so little I was brave enough to do on own and that’s why, that’s why I sabotaged everything, to make it so I had to let you go. All that talk about going separate ways in the future… about not being able to picture us working out… about you not wanting what I wanted… the fact is, I was happiest living day to day with you whether at school, overseas or at home. I was happy not knowing what was going to happen, just seizing each day with love and laughter. I regret that I lost sight of that. You have no idea how heartbroken I was when I learned you felt things were better this way. But… I’m happy that you seem happy (from what I can tell on Facebook, even though just viewing your page nowadays seems to send me into a fit of tears and “if only”s).

It’s painful that you’re not next to me anymore when I wake up every morning. I miss your voice, your laugh. I miss watching you from across the room working hard on some assignment. I miss the warmth and familiarity of you by my side in a group of mutual friends. I miss being able to spot you out in a crowd. I miss being part of your family. I miss the way you used to look at me when I was your most important person. I miss looking into those hazel eyes. You’ll never have any idea how much I miss you, I think, though God knows I told you again and again about two years ago. You deserve the very best and brightest future. You deserve someone who won’t hold you back, someone who won’t turn to the wrong crowd when he doesn’t get his way and then take for granted all the beautiful things you’ve done for him, shared with him. I once heard that “getting over” a breakup takes at least half the length of time that the relationship lasted. Looks like I have at least one more year to go, huh? You don’t have to worry, I will find happiness again. The one blessing of being apart from you is that every day, I gain a little more courage to do the things I was afraid to do alone before. But honestly, I don’t believe I’ll ever be “over” you. You’re still very precious to me, even when we’ve been careless with one another, even though we can’t find time for catching up anymore, even though you’re far away and might not even be thinking about me at all. You’ll always have a place in my heart. And I wish I could tell you that if you’re ever feeling as alone or as lost as I feel right now, you’re always welcome to come to me.

Love always,

Me

one of those randomz

next time you’re washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say ‘this water is getting out of hand’ it’s a guaranteed way to make friends i have never tried it but it is guaranteed

you are a human being

you are a human being

humans get hungry

humans get tired

humans forget

humans have emotions

you are a human being and losing control is normal

just make sure that you don’t let that loss of control define you

because humans are strong

humans recover

humans are built to survive

you are a human being

and you will make it through

i’d rather be unconscious

literally nothing ever sounds like a better option than sleep. there are so many books to read, projects to start, stuff to draw, chores to do, people to meet, hobbies to learn, recipes to cook, i could teach myself mandarin fuckin chinese, but i’d rather be unconscious