Managing the pressures of a relationship

Have you ever wondered what the ‘ship’ in ‘relationship’ means? It refers to the fact that a relationship can either float or sink. Okay, that isn’t entirely true, but it’s a useful way to think about the effects of pressure in a relationship. Read on for some tips to help you keep your relationship afloat, and what to do if you feel unsafe.

What kinds of pressures exist in a relationship?

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend can be great, but there are a whole bunch of things that can get in the way of feeling content and happy.

Internal pressures can come from things like differences in culture or age, jealousy, lack of compromise, and unreasonable or unfulfilled expectations.

External pressures can come from people or factors outside of the relationship itself, such as study or work, illness, money, family and friends.

Tips for keeping your relationship afloat

Work out what pressures, internal and external, are affecting your relationship. Then, when you’re ready, try some of the following strategies to help relieve the pressure and keep your relationship afloat.

Communicate with each other

We have smartphones and airplanes, and yet there’s still no device that helps us to read minds! So, the next best thing is to communicate by using words.

How is your partner supposed to know what’s wrong if you don’t tell them? If something is bugging you, let them know in a calm manner. You can then try to resolve the issue together.

Learn to compromise

You can’t always get what you want. Talk with your partner to figure out the stuff that’s really important to each of you, and the stuff that isn’t such a big deal.

It might be hard to accept that someone you’re close to doesn’t care about all the same things you do. But, as with everything, compromise becomes easier with practice.

Reassure your partner of your feelings for them

Everybody likes to hear how much they’re loved. If you know that you feel the same way about each other, the relationship will tend to flow more smoothly and problems such as jealousy will be less likely to arise.

Get a fresh perspective

Sometimes it can be handy to view your relationship from a fresh perspective. By talking to someone who’s not directly involved in the relationship, such as friends or family, you might be able to see the situation in a different way and find the pressures easier to deal with.

Don’t be afraid to spend time apart

Sometimes the best thing for a couple is to spend some time away from each other. After all, you can’t miss someone if they’re always around.

Don’t try to work things out when either of you is angry

It’s almost impossible to work things out in a mature fashion when one of you is angry. You’re more likely to say something unkind that you’ll later regret. Try to change the topic of conversation, or walk away and revisit the issue later on when you’re both feeling calmer.

Respect your differences

Differences in culture, religion or opinion can be the source of difficulties or friction in relationships. Instead of rejecting the unfamiliar, make an effort to understand it and to embrace it. Differences between partners can make things more interesting and unpredictable. You might even learn a thing or two.

Sort out any problems with your family

If your family doesn’t approve of your relationship, you need to ask yourself why.

Is it because they worry that you might get hurt in some way? Or maybe they simply don’t understand your relationship and how you feel about it.

Be clear about what you think, feel and want. Describe your situation in a way that will help them understand it better. If you’re honest, calm and respectful, they will be more likely to hear what you have to say and to believe you. Try to understand their point of view; it may make them more willing to see yours.

Parents won't always see things your way. However, if they see that you’re acting in a mature manner, they’ll be more likely to accept that you’re capable of making big decisions for yourself.

The deal breakers

Emotional and/or physical abuse is never acceptable in any relationship, and violence is against the law. If your relationship has become unhealthy and you feel unsafe, seek help immediately.

Other things that your partner might be doing that also need immediate attention include:

·         making you feel disrespected

·         not being open and honest

·         Disregarding what's important to you.

Working through relationship pressures can be really hard. If these tips don’t work for you, you might want to seek professional help so that you can work together to get to the bottom of what’s going on and try to fix it.

Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You

 

Research shows that having ambivalent friendships in your life—relationships where interactions are sometimes supportive and positive and sometimes hostile or negative—can actually cause more stress than relationships that are consistently negative.1

This is, in part, because you never quite relax when you are around these people, but you don't keep your guard entirely up either, so you are more vulnerable when there is conflict. It is similar to chronic stress, where your body never fully recovers from the stress you experience before becoming triggered by the next stressor you face in life. Ultimately, it takes quite a toll.

Your relationship conflicts truly take a toll on your physical health and affect your emotional well-being as well. This can be tough psychologically. It can leave you feeling frazzled, overwhelmed, and less confident in handling other stress you face in life. 

It is in your best interest to reevaluate your relationships, identify the taxing ones, and minimize or even eliminate these negative relationships in your life. The following plan can help you to minimize the stress of ambivalent relationships when you need to.

 

·         Your Social Circle Relationships.

Make a list of friendships in your life. Include everyone you think of when you think of your ‘friends’, including those you only see on social media, those you see regularly, and everyone in between. Also include romantic partners, if they're in your life now or may come back into your life at some point.

 

·         Questions To Ask When Assessing A Relationship

Circle the names of people who you know are positive: those who support you when you’re down and genuinely share your joy when good things happen to you. As for the others, evaluate the relationship honestly to see if it’s a benefit or a detriment to you.

        Questions to Ask:

                                 I.            Is this relationship worth the amount of work required to maintain it?

                               II.            Is this a person I would choose to have in my life if we just met today? Or have I been holding onto this relationship out of habit?

                              III.            Does this person make me feel good about myself? Am I uncomfortable around them?

                             IV.            Is this friend competitive with me in a negative way?

                               V.            Do I like who I am when I’m with them? Or do we seem to bring out the worst in each other?

                             VI.            How deeply can I trust this person? Could I count on them if I needed to? Could I share my feelings freely?

                           VII.            Do we have common interests and values? If not, do I benefit from the differences?

                          VIII.            Am I receiving as much as I give?

                             IX.            If I gave this relationship the effort it deserves, would it benefit me and enrich my life?

After answering some of these questions, you should have a clearer picture of whether this relationship is positive or negative for you. Circle the person’s name if you believe that the relationship is positive and supportive, or if it could be, given an appropriate amount of time and energy. Otherwise, cross off the name.

 

 

·         Moving Forward

Now put more of a focus on the relationships you have with the people whose names are circled.

As for the names that are crossed off, you can decide whether you want to keep sending them holiday cards and maintain a friendly rapport when you see them by chance, or if you want to make a clean break. But don’t allow them to continue to add stress and negativity to your life. Reserve your energy for your true friends.

If some of the names you encounter are those of family members, co-workers, or people who are for some other reason difficult to eliminate or even avoid, this article on dealing with difficult people can help you to deal with them in a way that will reduce the stress they can bring into your life.

Do you all get that heavy wave of sadness?

"I went out with friends today. Forgot about her for a little bit, laughed with my friends, played games and had dinner.

I went home. Then cried. No matter how much I've changed for the better, I still keep wanting her to be part of that. It's annoying how I'm fine for one moment then it all comes crashing.

It'll feel like I'm having such a great time finally and as soon as I am introspective at all I feel like "yeah that was fun, but it would've been so much moreso with her". 

Tonight I was feeling more like, "I can't wait to tell her what happened" only for me to cry because she's not in my life anymore."

I live it daily. 

Life Is A Slow Death (God Please Help Me)

 I can't take it,

I'm only asking,

Please Lord help me,

I'm tired of relapsing,

Over and over,

My veins are collapsing,

I know you hear me,

I'm sorry for babbling,

I don't understand,

Why this keeps happening,

I'm covering the pain,

It's so everlasting,

The hurt burns deep,

It never stops dragging,

Life is a slow death,

It's truly a sad thing,

My hands are cold,

My heart is blackening,

I miss my love,

I know it's a bad thing,

It won't go away,

An eternal damning,

Save me please God,

It was a misunderstanding,

So whenever you can,

This will be the last thing.

Empty

This is the one word that comes closest to describing the feeling. Everything seemed to be perfect. It was like a Ferrari cruising down the highway on its way. Out of nowhere, everything changes. The Ferrari that once seemed unstoppable slowly putters to the shoulder of the highway as the gas gauge lands on empty.

The feeling is indescribable. The pain is worse than breaking every bone in your body. The loneliness is worse than being trapped in a cell for the rest of your life. The sadness is worse than having your childhood pet run away and never come back. The worst part is that there is nothing you can do to make this feeling go away.

You will initially feel like nothing else in life matters. It will be impossible to focus on school, work, or any other activity you participate in. Then you’ll try to get them back by blaming yourself for the problems and showing them you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix those problems. This could be through constant phone calls or maybe you’ll show up at their house and pour your heart out to them. After a few hundred calls go straight to voicemail or they emotionlessly tell you to leave their house, the reality that the relationship is over finally hits. Your self-esteem becomes non-existent. Your motivation disappears. Nothing will ever be the same so you spend all of your time feeling broken, beaten, and abandoned.

A few weeks will pass and anger toward your former lover will team up with the emptiness in your heart. This is especially true if they are able to move on to another significant other while you are still struggling to pull yourself out of bed every day. It seems like all of your time is spent either yelling or crying. Nothing will ever be the same.

There are only two things that will slowly mend your heart—crying and time. It doesn’t matter if you’re a sensitive 19 year old woman or a macho 22 year old man, it is okay to cry. It doesn’t matter if you bawl like a baby alone in your room, in front of your parents, or even around your closest friends. You shouldn’t be ashamed. The tears just prove how much that person meant to you. Losing someone you love is a traumatic experience and grieving is a great mechanism to get through the trauma.

The other factor is time. With each tick of the clock, you will feel slightly better. You will spend more time with friends you neglected during your relationship. You will find time to read those books that have been sitting on the bookshelf for months. You start hitting the gym and seeing muscles you never thought you even had. You will begin to feel happy about yourself again and realize you don’t need another person to make you happy. It may take weeks, months, maybe even years. There is no timetable for healing a broken heart, but it will happen.

There are a few things you can do to speed up the healing process even more. Don’t stay angry at your ex for what they did to you. Even though they caused unimaginable pain to you, don’t let that memory ruin all of the good memories you had together. At first it will be hard to think about the good without feeling pain, but as time goes on you will appreciate those memories and the love you felt when they happened. Also, don’t spend too much time sulking. It’s natural to feel like it will never get better, but do your best to improve yourself whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. If you see improvement in yourself, your self-esteem will slowly resurrect itself to a level you have never experienced before.

The most important thing you can do is learn. Learn what traits from your ex you loved and which ones you couldn’t stand. Learn what type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Learn that someone who isn’t willing to love you through both the good times and the bad times isn’t the one you want to love either. While it’s hard to believe right now, there is someone else out there who will love you forever. It may not happen soon, but eventually you will find the perfect person for you. The emptiness will fade and the Ferrari you left stranded on the side of the road will be filled up with a gas that doesn’t burn up and never hits empty.

It will get better. It just takes time. 

Thank you all for reading. I know what it feels like to be in your situation, so I hope this truly does give you hope that it will be okay in the end.