ARE YOU BEING USED AND NOT LOVED?

Everybody likes the benefits. Workers like paid vacation. School children love recess. Returning customers enjoy a 10% discount.

Relationships are full of benefits. It’s a comfort to know someone always has my back, is on my side, and sees me eye-to-eye. Some of the first benefits of a new relationship is the comfort in knowing you always have a date for Friday night, but as a relationship matures, so do the benefits.

Some of my favorite benefits are:

• o    sharing all of life with another
• o    having someone who knows me better than any other and loves me anyway
• o    knowing I’m not alone
• o    having someone to encourage me when I’m down
• o    two-incomes but shared expenses
• o    sex
• o    diversity of strengths

A healthy marriage has a variety of benefits.

But those benefits must be wedded to responsibilities.

Responsibilities of Relationships

Relationships come with inherent responsibilities. Things are demanded of us. Expectations are placed upon us. There are things we must do (and refrain from doing) in order for the relationship to thrive.

Some common relational responsibilities are:

• o    spending quality time with one another
• o    sharing in household chores
• o    playing a role in adding to the financial resources (either by earning money or supporting the one who does)
• o    fidelity
• o    making ourselves physically and emotionally present to our spouse
• o    being an equal partner
• o    showing respect to one another

Some responsibilities come and go throughout the differing seasons of a relationship while others are always present. Yet in every season there are certain things which an individual must do to make the relationship healthy.

Benefits Without Responsibilities

Relationships fail when an individual or couple tries to enjoy the benefits of the relationship while avoiding the responsibilities.

It’s true of a man who wants sex without commitment.

It’s true of a woman who wants financial security without financial discipline.

It’s true of couples who want peace without the courage to have difficult conversations.

Everyone would take the benefits without the responsibilities if it were possible, but a healthy relationship cannot exist without both. The benefits of the relationship must be intertwined with the responsibilities.

Where only benefits exist, trust is eroded. A spouse feels isolated, alone, and taken advantage of.

Where only responsibilities exist, hope is dashed. A spouse feels disappointed, empty, and used.

But where both are present, each spouse feels valued, loved, and important.

Friends With Benefits

Humanity has long attempted to experience benefits without responsibilities. It was true centuries ago in polygamous cultures where men desired the benefits of sexual freedom without the responsibility of commitment to one person. It’s true in today’s society where friends try to enjoy the sexual benefits of a relationship without the responsibility of loving one another.

But the two should not be split. Benefits should always be wedded to responsibilities. It’s the joining together of the two which allows a relationship to flourish. When we attempt to have one without the other, we are stripping a relationship of the foundation it needs to succeed.  When we embrace both–accepting what is expected of us and finding gratitude for what is given to us–we come alive.

Sadly, many people–especially women–assume if they give the benefits of the relationships to a partner, eventually the partner will accept the responsibilities. They rarely do. Why would someone suddenly take on the all the responsibilities of something if they have already experienced the benefits for free?

If you are willing to sacrifice for me without me ever sacrificing for you, why would I suddenly start putting your needs above mine?

If you are willing to reveal yourself totally to me–body, soul, and mind–without any commitment from me, why would I suddenly decide to commit to you?

Some benefits have to be withheld until a partner is fully willing to embrace the responsibilities of marriage. If they aren’t, the relationship will probably never move forward.

Two Questions for Consideration

Am I attempting to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without experiencing the responsibilities? If I am, I’m cheating the other person and using them as an object rather than loving them like a person and they deserve better.

Am I giving someone the full benefits of a relationship while excusing them from the responsibilities? If I am, I’m allowing myself to be used rather than loved and I deserve better.

Lacking The Initiative in Your Relationship?

Lack of initiative could include the relationship or marriage itself, but can also be played out in the arenas of parenting, budgeting, trip planning, domestic and chores, and lots of other places. What you don’t always realize is that constant lack of initiative promotes relationship “scars” for years to come. It chips away at the foundation of your otherwise good relationship.

Does this lack of initiative pattern characterize your relationship or marriage? Are you lacking the initiative in your relationship? How would you know it if you’re not?

If you think you’ve gotten lazy, or have had a problem taking the initiative in your relationship, consider these 6 ways to change your lack of initiation:

1.       Start by listening and taking your partner’s words more seriously. They have probably been telling you for some time what their issues are, but have you been tuned in? Have they felt like you are really taking them seriously, and not just giving them lip service?

2.       Consider the ways from which you fail to take the initiative: what could alternative behaviors look like? What would you do differently if you were in their shoes?

3.       Think about the areas where you can take more initiation in your relationship or marriage: romantically (initiate more physical touch, sex, more activities together), domestically (cleaning, cooking, trash, bills, parenting), hobbies (planning nights out, vacations, etc.), or general interest in their well-being, stress or overall health.

4.       Admit to yourself what prevents you from taking initiative: laziness? Depression? Thinking about yourself? Disinterest in your partner? Boredom? Resentment or defiance? All of these could be valid reasons once you admit them to yourself, put them out on the table and start talking about them. They can change your stance and make you more open once you start acknowledging them.

5.       Approach your relationship with a different “How can I help?” attitude. It might change your perspective, and change your approach to taking initiative. Take your marriage more seriously, and think about how the things you do (and don’t do) have effects on your partner – positively or negatively. Find your place of empathy for your partner, and see what the world looks like from their perspective.

6.       Find out what motivates you to initiate. You may not be a planner by nature, or are particular interested in doing many things to take more initiative. But what do you do that motivates you? Taking the initiative at home or in your marriage may look different than her version of you having more initiative. So, communicate about it, and make sure she understands that it’s still initiative on your part – even if it looks different from their version. You may be taking initiative in your work, or in other ways you haven’t been validated for, so start communicating more with your partner.

You allocate hard-earned time, resources and money on the things that you value most, and sometimes, your relationship could use some more of that attention and resources. I think one of the best ways is to ask yourself the above questions, start to take a bit more initiative, and see how your relationship improves as a result. Without the constant “stepping up” to take more initiative, your relationship (and you) may have problems on your hands down the road as a result.

Don’t let unspoken expectations harm your relationship.

The trouble is, these expectations, if left unexamined, can lead to resentment, especially when you believe that you are pouring more into the relationship than your significant other. There are five things you should do now to fix the problem before it’s too late.

01. Challenge Your Own Perspective

Before you bring your concerns to your significant other, first ask yourself if you are really giving more or if you are looking for your significant other’s contributions to the relationship in the wrong places. The five love languages are a helpful tool when it comes to identifying the ways he is showing you that he cares. Sometimes, we expect someone to show that they care in a way that isn’t their first choice.

02. Get Rid of the 50/50 Myth

As you prepare to bring up your concerns to your significant other, don’t think of your relationship as one where each should be equally contributing, as if in a 50/50 split. This type of unspoken contract turns the relationship from one of unconditional love and support to one of keeping score. Instead, think of your relationship as one with some flexibility where you might need to offer more support at some points and your significant other will need to offer more support at other times. What’s more important than 50/50 give and take is clear expectations that you both agree on. Likewise, time with each family might not always be 50/50, but it's important to come to an agreement about what works best for both of you.

03. Verbalize It

As much as we’d like to, no one has the superpower to read minds. If you have a strong sense that you are doing more in the relationship and that it isn’t a temporary phase, it’s time to bring it up to your significant other.

Let them know that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed recently by all that you have been doing to support your relationship. Give specific examples to help them understand what has happened and why it bothers you.

04. Emphasize Togetherness

It’s helpful to talk about the imbalance in your relationship as something that you need to change together as a couple. When you are united as a team, it will be easier to find a solution than if one (or both) individuals feel attacked and singled out. Working together as a team will also help strengthen your relationship and help you see that you can work through these issues successfully.

05. Offer Concrete Solutions

Once you’ve brought up your concerns, be prepared to offer some concrete solutions. This can help to turn the conversations from what isn’t going well to a constructive, problem-solving mode. Talk about facts and practical steps rather than just how you are feeling. Plus, identifying concrete solutions will help you both make sure you are making progress toward your goal.

Don’t let your tendency to go the extra mile for the sake of love get in the way of your relationship. Embrace the seasonal give and take that relationships bring, and support each other. Then, watch your relationship grow.

You Get What You Give in Relationships

Every relationship has a blank, clean slate, is pure, and where there are no mistakes and no issues. At least, that’s the basis of how every new relationship should start. It’s like the birth of a new situation, and anything that’s new and pure, doesn’t have any flaws or imperfections. It’s only when we start to get to know someone on a deeper level that we start to see who a person really is, and then we can make the best decision as to whether or not they’re the right match for us. That’s why we should always put our best foot forward, and give promising situations are best shot.

When it comes to exploring a new relationship, it’s important to remember to be selfless and giving as much as possible. You should definitely pay close attention to how giving and selfless your partner is, but your main focus should be on your own actions and how much you’re giving and being selfless to that person. You see, it’s imperative that we work on ourselves, and not solely on our relationship. If anything, part of being in a healthy and happy relationship is understanding that, and acknowledging the fact that you endlessly and wholeheartedly have to work on improving yourself throughout your relationship, as well as throughout your lifetime.

Everything good in life takes hard work. You can’t expect to have a successful and beautiful relationship if you’re not going to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it that way. This is why it’s so important to concentrate hard on the seeds that you plant in your relationship. If you plant bad seeds early on when everything is pure and new, you’re likely going to end up having bad fruit later. If you plant good seeds, and you do everything that it takes to make a successful and happy relationship, striving hard to be the best version of yourself, to endlessly give in a selfless manner, and to show your love and affection to someone with all of your might, then you’re basically planting good seeds, and you’ll likely reap the benefits of beautiful fruit later.

There’s a good reason that a wise man once said that you should do things with tender, and loving care. And in a nutshell, it’s because you get what you give in life. So before you mess up a good thing, think twice before doing or saying things that could cause harm to your beautiful new beginning. Think like that wise man, and be enlightened enough to realize that good things in life need to be cared for in the right manner. Sometimes we only get one shot to do things right the first time. And sometimes, the first time is the only and last time.