An apology, of sorts

For years I lived on the outskirts
My friends got dates, boyfriends, girlfriends, and I watched,
I watched the hearts of gold - or more often,
Hearts of aluminum foil, 
Drowned 
In tacky paint

Some were obvious, though my friends wouldn’t see
Poorly covered
You could see the foil underneath

Some were better, carefully pieced together
They fooled me for years
But eventually, the foil showed

I got pulled into the middle, 
Dizzied and twirled, But you,
You were pure

You were gentle with me, as though I might break
Patient in all situations
Witty and sharp
Intelligent, talkative, captivating
Talented, bright

You were never mad with me.
You never treated me poorly.

We were tentative kisses
Sweaty hand holding
Nervous laughter

We were speechless
Drifting into the unknown

I have no doubt,
That after everything

You were platinum

Slipping

Through

My

Fingers

And I have to wonder -

Could you see the foil?

- Sincerely, a shattered heart

Thank You For The Gift Of Love

Death is part of life; it happens to everyone. We are born, we live, then we die.

No one ever thinks about life without certain people. They feel their loved ones will be with them forever.

 My grandmother also passed away last night. A part of my body feels happy, knowing she's in a better place. The other half feels like I'm getting torn apart inside-out. My parents didn't even tell me because I'm still taking my master's exam finals, after my uncle informed me this morning I was in complete shock, I still can't wrap my head around what happened. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm confused, and I just miss her. All of my grandparents are dead. we were supposed to visit her in a few months. I didn't even talk to her in months...I didn't even get to say goodbye.

The last time I saw her was years ago unfortunately. My mom and sisters got a chance to visit her in December and she looked well in the pictures.

I just wish I was nicer to her and appreciated her more when she was around. Her daily routines, everything I took for granted and looking back should have truly cherished. My reassurance is in the fact that she had a full life,  had many children, and many grandchildren. She left us with love. Goodbye Grandma Okoh. God the Father has made a special place for you❤

"You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

There is this girl...

who is as beautiful as the sun

her skin ever so flawless as it was.

Today someone called her a name

I won’t even say,

because it’s that bad.

She cry her heart out

on the bathroom floor

and I want to comfort her

and tell that she was beautiful

I want to tell her

that I have spent an eternity

praying that she would notice me

but that would have made it obvious I was staring.

You’re not supposed to look at girls that way

but I can’t help it

because those eyes are the only thing I want see

before I close my eyes to dream of her waking up beside me

Those lips are the only ones I want to be kissing at 2 am

and its storming outside

and she has to cuddle closer to me because she’s scared

Those arms I want wrapped around my neck

as I carry her over the bed we share

to make her squirm under my touch

because I love her

She is my everything

but I will never  have her

because she insist of dressing her best

to impress the guys

when they will never appreciate her the way that I do

They will never look at her the way that I do  

and as silly as I may sound

I hate her in all that she is

but she is my everything

and I love her.

Mistakes

Your fragile little heart doesn’t stop hurting because he still has the ability to control it. He says he loves you but doesn’t realize the pain he instils in you everyday. And you try. You try so fucking hard to make everything work because in the end you feel worthless without him. Your mistakes are justified though, but still come bearing pain. And that’s just it. You mustn’t get caught up in trying to over-fix your mistakes. No one should have the ability to make you think that low of yourself and drag you into a never ending sea of sadness. Even the best of the best. Even him.

submission

bleak walls surround me
like how a mass crowd with bleak minds surrounds the thinker. 
I sit and twitch my fingers
glaring 
at this mechanical machine in my wet palms,
it has no feelings what so ever , 
I wish I were so to.
I twitch as I glare at the screen , how mean
I think 
how mean, 
you are leaving me here 
feeling like a puddle. 
You flood me 
with thoughts I never thought existed it is as so they are their own specimen .. They control me. 
You control me.

...for laughs

I need help.

I’m so fucking weird
It’s like:
I’m the nicest rude person you’ll ever meet.
I don’t give a fuck about anything but at the same time, I care about a lot.
I hate people but I want to be everyone’s friend.
I hate myself but I’m completely fabulous.

communication is key

If you’re in a relationship and your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you “are you okay?”

 Don’t lie to them. If y'all are in love, tell them what’s bothering you. They care. It’s okay to be vulnerable with them. Don’t tell them “yea I’m okay” and you’re not, because then you’ll be mad at them for not understanding your hurt when YOU HAVEN’T EVEN EXPLAINED IT to them. People can’t read minds. Give them the chance to listen, give them the chance to understand. Let them love you okay, communication is key.

The Rants (1)

I couldn’t care less about your religion or sexual orientation or race or whether you’re a virgin or have slept with 400 people or have done time in jail

but the moment you eat my leftovers without asking that’s when i decide you’re a terrible person

It’s your responsibility to care for yourself

I want to emphasize the importance of surrounding yourself with people who take care of you unconditionally and feel genuinely proud of your entity floating in their lives.

things that mean a lot to me but I will never mention

• Goodnight/ good morning texts 
• I miss you’
• I hope you’re okay’s
• thinking about you 
• when someone goes out of their way to show you they care
• when someone shows a real interest in you
• feeling wanted
• feeling like what you feel is validated 
•feeling important

“do you really think that lowly of yourself?”

it’s so awkward being asked “do you really think that lowly of yourself?” 
because no? of course not? buddy, i was just.. kidding around.. haha, funny, haha? humor, you know? 
but also truthfully: yeah. absolutely. without a doubt. hold up a handful of dirt & one individual speck of it has more worth & purpose than i could ever even begin to hope to have but, you know! 
anyhow! nice weather we’re having right?

You deserve someone who is good

Learn the difference between a nice partner and a good partner. someone can be sweet, funny, kind and attentive and still make a horrible partner. don’t let basic interaction and appearance be all you judge on; if things are even a little off, acknowledge the problems and know to keep a look out for yourself. You deserve someone who is good.

Help with formatting

Why do we admire the people who ignore us the most?
Why do we feel like we need those people in order to feel whole
Knowing that person does nothing but disappoint our souls
Making us feel empty
Yet we keep going back for more as if they will fill us with something new
“People are not medicine” but I say otherwise
It all depends on the person whether they bring you up or down
If they have that much power to make you feel more than something
Yes they are medicine they can cure you
That’s what medicine is supposed to do
Cure me and you
But what am I saying?
I want to be whole again but I’m getting it from the wrong people
It took me awhile to realize that
I’m still realizing the lies people have filled me up inside
Maybe that’s why I thought I felt whole when I was really empty
Taking whatever word it was to feel something

We are strangers with memories.

  It saddens me to admit this, but our soul purpose for one another now is convenience. We exist as a conventional mean for each other. There’s no emotional connection. There’s no mental connection. I don’t know who you are anymore, and you don’t know me. We are just there, in each other’s company, because of our mutual group of friends. Outside of this niche, you and I exist separately, where you are your own person and I am mine. We no longer coexist to where our paths would intertwine because we wanted it to. Our presence in each other’s lives are solely due to the presence of others. You don’t go out of your way to see me, and I no longer go out of mine to see you. So what are we now? A means to an end? Conventional acquaintances? Strangers?

Go ahead

Go ahead and take a swing at my self esteem just like everyone else 

Go ahead and ignore my texts and calls just like everyone else

Go ahead and make me addicted to you just to leave me hanging for more just like everyone else

Go ahead and tell me you won’t leave and then leave the next second just like everyone else

Go ahead and tell me you don’t mind me being clingy and run away the moment I cling onto you just like everyone else

 

Go ahead and treat me like everyone else and see me treat you just like I treat everyone else

When it comes to you

There are two ways your heart can explode.

1. The kind that’s full of excitement and anxiety. Where it feels like all of the butterflies in your stomach are flying into your heart to nest, and eventually your heart becomes so full of butterflies that it’ll explode. Yeah, the kind that’s filled with adrenaline and leaves you euphoric. The kind where year heart feels like it has so much love that it can no longer contain, and so it bursts.

2. Then there’s the saddest of them all. The kind where your lover is holding your heart in their hands and their grip becomes tighter and tighter until your heart stops beating, and it just bursts from all the pressure. The painful kind. The kind that leaves you feeling empty, broken, and hurt. The kind where your lover knows that they are hurting you, but it just can’t be stopped, and what’s left is a hole where your heart used to be.

Pick me. Choose me

I don’t understand why you settle for less than what you deserve. 
I’m here waiting and willing to rip my heart out for you if you’d just ask. 
I want to give you all of the time that I have left in this lifetime. 
I want to give you a love so great that it will put great love stories to shame. 
I want to show you the world and I want to show you off to the world. 
I want to do so many thing for you, to you, and with you if you’d just let me.

I hate how I’ve given you the ability to destroy me.

I hate how I’ve become so attached to you. I’m not this person. I don’t sit around waiting for a text or a response. I don’t stare at my phone every 5 minutes just to see if you have messaged me or whether or not you’re active on social media. I don’t look at old pictures and try to relive old memories in my head. I don’t get sad if we don’t talk for a day or more. This isn’t me, but lately that’s who I’ve been. I hate this. I hate how I’ve made you so important in my life.

do you ever have second-hand obsessions?

do you ever have second-hand obsessions?

like one of your friends is super obsessed with a thing so whenever you see something about it you’re like “YES THIS THING” but you’re not the one obsessed with it. they are. you know very little about this thing and yet it still excites you because it excites your friend

when someone is important to me, I find that I have this

I HAVE WRITTEN A POEM

My submission to mark black history month, do enjoy...

I have written a poem  

Bourne out of the deepest core of my reality 

A poem written out of fear 

Fear suffered out of pain 

Pain as a result of a bitter past 

I have written a poem of how the African gracefully broke the chains of slavery  

And also a poem of how even in independence, the African survives on Charity 

This poem I wrote  

Holds the keys to a doors of hope for a better tomorrow  

A tomorrow who’s yesterday is today 

A today filled with blurred visions 

Blurred visions of a tomorrows of hope 

This poem would make a difference  

This poem would change the sequence 

This poem would ignite resistance  

But this poem wouldn’t breed disobedience  

So don’t think its all fashion when you see my eyes locked 24/7 behind shades 

Because it might just be my own way of hiding my vision from the lights of shattered dreams 

The dreams of yesterdays hope 

A hope still being hoped against hopes of tomorrow 

But until then, I just have a dream 

A dream achieved fully in writing 

So I have written a poem 

And this is the poem I wrote 

… 

i wonder

 all the stuff.. has been here.. on earth.. and all the natural forces.. electricity… magnetism.. have all existed.. but.. we just didn’t know how to put it all together.. like… i wonder what miracles exist around us.. right now.. at this very moment.. that we can’t even imagine

Mahogany

One night on a joyous occasion while in the mist of a celebration. 
I gazed upon Mahogany. 
Her dark chocolate brown skin and pearl white teeth, 
radiated her beauty under the light of the moon and stars. 
Her round chin and high cheeks characterised her uniqueness.

While talking to her, I learned of her hurt and pain.
I knew at that point we shared the same.
Two people brought together by an unknown twist of fate.
Not knowing their futures and not willing to wait.

A woman so brown, beautiful, slender and sweet.
The essence of her radiance I wanted to keep.
We talked and listened, and wondered if this could last.
I pulled her close to me and felt her as she gasped.

I looked her in the eyes and asked, are you a dream come true?
She gently pulled my face towards hers and said, I am if you want me to.
The light of the moon danced off her Mahogany skin.
I kissed her long and slowly, she pulled away and grinned.

Do not tease me for my search has been long.
I have scoured the earth singing the same old song.
A song of loneliness and hope that I would someday meet.
A woman so fine and beautiful to keep.

Her aura was bold and splendour, a joyous sight to behold.
I have only heard tales of this and stories that were told.
Could you be a dream that has come into my life?
Is this my reward for living a life that wasn't quite right?

Right in the way of love and relationships that never would unfold.
Relationship that left me empty and feeling rather cold.
It began to rain and I started to wake up.
I looked around to see her and knocked over a coffee cup.

At that point I realised it was just a vision of you.
I tried to relive the moment, but felt this wouldn't do.
So once again here I sit, feeling all alone.
Wondering, daydreaming and wishing you would come home.

Come home to me in my dreams and satisfy my needs.
Come to me and keep me warm and safe in your embrace.
Let me feel the love and smile showing on your face.
I'm calling for you and thinking about you,

I know you feel it too.
Until that day comes I will hold you in my heart.
Then the loneliness will stop dogging me,
I will have my Mahogany.

The Future Is Awesome

Future Uche: Hey, I’m you from the future!

Past Uche: Really?? Do I have lots of friends??

Future Uche: Two really good ones.

Past Uche: No more naps though, right?

Future Uche: Way more naps.

Past Uche: Am I at least rich?!

Future Uche: I’m actually here to ask if you have 1k to spare…

Abuse in a relationship

It starts off with him telling you not to look at other guys when you’re with him because it’s disrespectful. He will make you feel like chivalry is a chore or something he does to mould your impression about him but it’s not genuine. Then he’ll have a problem with you interacting with other men, even if it’s a sales man. Any eye contact made by another man will be your fault. He will start telling you how to dress and that you should cover up, even though he spends his spare time liking pictures of half naked women online and entertaining them. He will belittle your words, your opinions and silent your thoughts. He will make your accomplishments seem small. You will find yourself walking on egg shells just to avoid offending him. Anytime you have an argument or question his behaviour, he will call you ugly and insecure, worthless and claim that no other man would want you.

And then he will apologise with empty promises and act like everything is perfect. 

Don’t accept his apology. 

He’ll never change. 

This is not okay. 

Leave.

In an ideal world

“Cartoons? Isn’t that for kids?” I look up and smile “ Yes it is” Suddenly my appearance shifts and shrinks as I become a child. All my money turns to monopoly money and all my bills are gone. My adult responsibilities vanish, finally the spell is broken, and I am free.

Just thought I'd share...

What I've learned is that if you’re going to engage in a romantic relationship during your young adult years, it damn well better be with someone who makes your insides explode with nothing but positive emotion. Someone who takes the time to be kind, patient and understanding, more often than not, and who is as warm with their words as they are with their touch. Life is too short to be focused on people who do not have your growth and best interest in mind. The right person will love you in a way that makes you feel completely free and accepted within your own skin. They won’t attempt to hinder your development out of fear or insecurity that your new experiences might lead you into the arms of someone else. Good lovers will desire to see your personal success just as much as you do, and they will support and respect your decisions. Stay away from people who make you feel guilty about desiring the best for yourself. They don’t love you for you; they love you for what you can provide for them. And that is not love.

i thought this was gonna be uplifting and inspiring