Hi Gang,
Decided to share this from my therapist.
Lengthy read but totally worth it.
Surviving a relationship break-up can be one of the most difficult
things we ever do and on an emotional level can be one of the most painful
processes in our lives. Losing a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife can
feel like your heart is literally being torn out. It is not unheard of to talk
to students on campus who express suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm at
the ending of a relationship. At UHC-Student Counselling Services, relationship
issues are one of the top three reasons students seek counselling, many of whom
are going through break-ups.
People are not well equipped to deal with break-ups, because we rarely
are taught anything about healthy coping after a break-up. This handout is
designed to give you helpful strategies to cope with your break-up in the
healthiest way possible.
By using these suggestions, it will not stop you
from experiencing the pain of the loss, but instead, will help you move through
the grieving process as quickly as possible and let you move on to ultimately
have more satisfying relationships in the future.
1.
Don’t Fight Your Feelings
A break-up is often accompanied by a wide variety of powerful and
negative feelings including sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy,
fear and regret, to mention a few. If you try to ignore or suppress these
feelings, you will likely only prolong the normal grieving process, and
sometimes get totally stuck in it. Healthy coping means both identifying these
feelings and allowing ourselves to experience these feelings. As hard as it is,
you cannot avoid the pain of loss, but realize that by experiencing these
feelings, they will decrease over time and you will speed up the grieving
process. The stages of grieving frequently include: shock/denial, bargaining,
anger, depression and eventually acceptance. Extreme grief feels like it will
last forever, but it doesn’t if we cope in some healthy ways.
There are
several conditions that will likely intensify your negative feelings,
including:
·
Not being the one who decided to break up.
·
Not seeing the break-up coming.
·
This being your first serious relationship.
·
Your ex being your only real close friend.
·
Continuing to run into your ex.
·
The relationship having made you feel whole or
complete.
·
Your ex starting to date someone right away.
·
Thinking about your ex being sexual with their new
partner.
·
Believing that your ex is the only one in the world
for you.
2.
Openly Discuss Your Feelings
Talking about your feelings related to the break-up is an equally
powerful tool to manage them. As we talk to supportive friends and family
members, we can come to some new understandings and relieve some of our pain.
Holding all of these negative feelings in just doesn’t work, although there may
be times when this is necessary, such as in public settings, at work, or in
class. As we talk to others, we usually discover that our feelings are normal
and that others have survived these feelings. Above all else, don’t isolate
yourself or withdraw from those people who can give you support.
3.
Write Out Your Thoughts and Feelings
In addition to talking to others, it can be very helpful to journal your
thoughts and feelings related to the break-up. People are not always available
when you need to get out your feelings and some feelings or thoughts may be too
private to feel comfortable sharing with others. The act of writing your
feelings out can be very freeing and can often give you a different perspective
about them.
4.
Understand That Break-ups Are Often An Inevitable
Part Of Dating
Remember that many of our dating relationships will end up in a
break-up. This is the very nature of dating. Until we find our best match, we
are going to be moving in and out of relationships, so expect it. This way, we
won’t feel so devastated when it does happen. Relationships usually end for
some good reasons and they should end if we want to find our most suitable
partner. Of course, no match will be perfect and we have to decide how long to
keep looking and what we can live with. Finding a complementary partner is more
than about love and therefore, it is going to likely take many dating
relationships to find.
5.
Don’t Personalize The Loss
It is natural after a break-up to blame yourself, but try not to
personalize the loss for too long. Much of the pain of a break-up comes from
seeing the loss as your fault and regretting the choices you made while in the
relationship. This process of self-blame can go on endlessly if you let it.
It is far more helpful to see the ending as a result of conflicting
needs and incompatibilities that are no one’s fault. Each person in a
relationship is trying to get their own needs met and some couples are able to
help fulfill each other’s needs and others are not. One of the biggest issues
is being able to communicate and negotiate those needs. It’s not easy to learn,
so don’t blame yourself and try not to blame your ex. He or she is likely also
doing the best they can, given their personalities and life history. No one
goes into a relationship with the goal of making it fail, or hurting the other
person.
6.
Prioritize Basic Self-Care
Self-care refers to ensuring that your basic needs are being met,
despite the fact that you may be feeling upset and depressed due to the
break-up. You may not feel like eating but do it anyways, and try to make some
healthy choices in what you eat. Give yourself ample time to sleep,
particularly since this may be difficult for you. The short-term use of some
herbal alternatives or sleep medications may be necessary to ensure you get the
sleep you need. Sleep deprivation will only compound your suffering. Keeping up
or starting an exercise routine can also make you feel better both physically
and psychologically. Remember, exercise causes the release of endorphins, which
can make you feel better.
7.
Get Back Into A Routine
Since going through a break-up can create a sense of chaos in many areas
of your life, continuing on with your routines will give you a better sense of
stability or normalcy. Although taking some expectations off yourself
temporarily can help, returning to routines shortly after the initial blow can
help calm you down and give you a returning sense of control. This might
include routines around wake-up and bedtimes, meals, school or work related
activities, exercise, and time with others to mention a few.
8.
Indulge Yourself
If there was ever a time to pamper yourself, it is after a break-up. You
need to do something that will actively make yourself feel better. Indulgence
can take many forms, depending upon what you really enjoy, but could include:
going to a special restaurant, going to a movie with a friend, having a hot
bath, trying a massage, going on a short trip, buying something new, taking the
weekend off, taking a yoga class or reading your favorite book.
9.
Give Yourself Some Slack
Expect that you are not going to be functioning at full capacity for a
time due to the distress you are experiencing. Therefore, it is not
unreasonable to lighten your load for awhile. This might mean allowing yourself
a break from studying for awhile, or studying less than you usually would. It
could also mean withdrawing from a class if you’re really struggling or working
a lot less in a part-time job for awhile. Although some of these options may
sound drastic, they will give you more time to adequately process your loss. It
may also mean expecting that your grades will go down a bit and not judging
yourself for this.
10. Don’t
Lose Faith In People Or Relationships
Since you
may be feeling very hurt after a break-up, it is easy to assume that all men
(or women) are bad or untrustworthy, but this just isn’t true. By
holding on to this belief, you will be denying yourself all kinds of
opportunities for a great relationship
in the future. We can’t over-generalize from our limited relationship
history and assume that it will never work out. Keep shopping! The more people
you meet, the greater the chance you will find your best match.
11. Let Go Of
The Hope You Will Get Back Together
Unless there is some very strong evidence that you will reunite with
your ex, try to let go of this possibility. Bringing closure to the
relationship is impossible if you continue to hold onto the hope that the
relationship will be resurrected. This means don’t wait by the phone for a
call, or try to e-mail or text them to try to have a little more connection, or
beg to get back together, or make threats to get them back (i.e., you will
commit suicide). These options will only perpetuate your emotional distress in
the long term and make you come across as desperate, which will further impact
your already shaken self-esteem. Life is too short to wait for someone to come
back to you after a break-up.
12. Don’t
Rely On Your Ex For Support Or Try To Maintain A Friendship
It’s not helpful to depend on your ex after a break-up, especially to
help you overcome the pain of the break-up. It makes it a lot harder to get
over someone if you’re continuing to see them or trying to maintain a
friendship. After a significant period
(i.e. months) of no contact, a friendship might be possible, but wait
until you’re feeling very emotionally strong again.
13. Avoid
Unhealthy Coping Strategies
There are several ways of coping with a break-up that are considered
quite unhelpful and will likely only compound your problems. These include such
choices as drinking excessively, doing drugs, overeating, self-harm, gambling
excessively, or becoming a workaholic. You may be tempted to do whatever you
can to avoid feelings of loneliness and pain, but it is essential to find
healthier ways to cope.
14. Make A
List Of Your Ex’s Annoying Qualities
If you have been feeling bad because you keep thinking about how much
you miss your ex or how well suited you were to them, it can be helpful to make
a list of all of their less endearing qualities. Particularly if you didn’t
initiate the break-up, it’s easy to focus on everything about your ex that you
will miss, which can only magnify your suffering. If you spend some time
reflecting, you may come to see incompatibilities in the relationship that make
it easier to let go and come to see that there is likely a better match out
there for you.
15. Avoid The
Temptation To Take Revenge
The idea of retaliating against someone who you feel may have hurt you
significantly is very tempting, but making this choice may have unforeseen
consequences.
Depending on how angry you are, these consequences could lead to
criminal charges if you did something like keying their car, stalking them, or
damaging other property. As much as this might feel like a good idea in your
height of passion, it only makes you feel more out of control. Closure is
promoted when contact of any kind is minimized.
16. Examine
What You Can Learn From The Relationship
We can learn a lot from all the relationships we have been in,
particularly ones that are painful. It’s very helpful after a relationship ends
to spend some time thinking about and writing down what you have learned so
that you can have better relationships in the future. However, don’t use this
as an opportunity to beat yourself up or blame yourself for the relationship
not lasting. Learning promotes growth, while self-blame
(i.e.
feeling you’re a failure) only extends your suffering.
17. Make a
List Of All The Benefits Of Being Single
Although being single again may be an unwelcome event, if you were not
the one who chose to break-up, it is worth reminding yourself there are some
definite benefits to being single. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
·
You are now much more able to put your own needs
first.
·
You will soon have the excitement
of dating again, even though this may feel a little scary.
·
You will have more control over
your daily routines, not having to negotiate these with someone else.
·
You can spend more time with
friends and family, who may have been feeling neglected.
·
You can do some traveling, that
you might not have been able to do with your partner.
·
You can choose jobs outside of
the immediate area, because your partner isn’t affecting your choices.
·
You can eat what you want, when you want to.
·
You can go to bed and get up on your own schedule.
·
You will be able to meet lots of new people, since
you now have more time to do so.
·
You may now be free of criticism.
·
You will have much more individual freedom.
·
You have the whole bed to yourself.
·
You now have more time to study.
·
You can be as messy as you want.
18. Perform A
Closure Ritual
At some point in the process of letting go and grieving the loss, it can
be very helpful to have a closure ritual. This symbolic gesture can be very
meaningful if it is well thought out and considers the right timing. This could
involve such things as: writing a letter to yourself or to your ex with your
final words regarding the relationship, removing all of the photos you have of
your ex, or burning some reminders of your ex in a ceremonial fashion.
19. Remember
That You Can Survive On Your Own
It is important after a break-up to remind yourself that you were able
to survive on your own before you entered the relationship and you will be able
to survive on your own now that you’re no longer together. Relationships do not
and should not make us whole, even though they are a part of our life and our
happiness. We all need to be able to stand on our own and meet our own needs,
regardless of the status of any one of our relationships. Remember, the
healthiest relationships are with two people who are able to meet their own
needs.
20. Start
Dating Again
Although it is often hard to decide when the best time to date again is,
don’t jump right back in and don’t wait forever. You do need to grieve the loss
and discover what you can learn from the past relationship, but you also have
to move on, which means beginning to date again. Keeping the dating more casual
at first might be wise, rather than jumping right into a deep, meaningful,
long-term relationship. Dating can help you see that there are lots of other
possible connections out there, if you open yourself up to this possibility.
More dating will mean more risks, but there is no alternative unless you’re
content living your life without a partner. Some people can be content in
relationships with just friends and family, but most people need more than this
to feel completely fulfilled.
Written by Dr. Kim Maertz
Mental Health Centre
University of Alberta
