Being a total non-communicator to understanding how to do it.

 

First of all, communicating with your significant other is an intimate experience. Developing emotional intimacy can happen a lot like physical intimacy. Imagine that instead of taking articles of clothing off one by one and watching your partner's eyes light up with anticipation and delight, you are slowly revealing more of your inner self, piece by piece. The most widely accepted model to explain the development of emotional intimacy (the process model) was devised by Reis and Clark (citation escapes me). Emotional intimacy develops when:

Person X reveals self-relevant information (dreams, fears, memories, feelings, desires, etc.) to person Y.

This information passes through the interpretive filters that Person Y has developed over a lifetime of experiences (depending on the nature of the information--one's relationship concerns, for example---the filters can be more or less specific, defined and intense).

Person Y validates what Person X has expressed (by saying things like "I hear you" or "I bet that really weighs on you" or "That's totally something you can achieve").

Person X hears this validation through interpretive filters. Something that sounds validating to you (e.g., "I get it") might sound very different (e.g., "You can stop talking because I already know what you have to say") to this other person who has a totally unique set of experiences. This can make things super screwy.

So that's the basic idea of how intimacy develops. When we communicate with others we seek to be understood. We want others to know us, even when we lie (perhaps especially when we lie). What is perhaps the most important part of that process model is the idea that everything we communicate goes through layers of interpretation. When my mom orders Chinese take out over the phone and the person on the other end can't quite understand what she's saying, she makes the mistake of speaking louder rather than more slowly and more clearly. This is a mistake that a lot of people make when communicating with their partner. You may believe that you're communicating an idea as clearly as you can, but it's totally possible that the person listening has experiences that are so different from yours that you might as well speak different languages.

When you talk to your SO (or anyone, for that matter), remember that you're talking to an individual, someone who is as complicated and deserving of understanding as you are. The most frustrating kind of conversation that I have ever had has been the "Yeah, but what I'm saying is" kind. When communicating, you should seek to be understood but you should also seek to understand. It is entirely possible that if you were to take a minute and really think about what your SO is saying, you might realize that they DO understand you.

This is crucial: express emotions. Don't hold emotions back. Your SO will be able to tell that you're hiding something, but not necessarily what you're hiding. Say "I'm feeling really upset right now" or "I'm angry that you did x" or "I'm really glad you told me about x". This is not the cold war. You can tell your SO how you feel about something.

Speak without pride. Never go into a discussion believing that you are absolutely correct and should be listened to no matter what. Even if your partner has wronged you, they deserve your attention and consideration (barring, of course, emotionally/physically/verbally abusive relationships!). You are not more important than your partner, and your partner is not more important than you. I know that I frustrated the hell out of a lot of my partners by adhering to the idea that what I had to say didn't matter, that my voice shouldn't be heard. I had some partners who believed that because they were sad or angry, their thoughts mattered more. Be open, be humble, be willing to admit that you were wrong. It's not the end of the world if you were wrong about something---in fact, it might save your relationship to admit it.

Demonstrate openness physically. Touch your partner in a caring, relaxed and non-demanding manner (and definitely non-sexual. Don't be gross.) Touch your partner on the knee or shoulder. Take their hand. Remember and remind them that you care about them (and not just what you get from them). Face your partner. Keep your shoulders and hands relaxed. People read body language and can tell (at least on some level) if you're holding back anger or not really listening--a lot of that comes across through the way you hold yourself. You can lie with words, but not with your body. My dad was emotionally abusive and it's still incredible to me how easily I can detect tension in people---it's all in the body. Crossing your arms, clenching your jaw, looking down and away---those are all give aways that you're upset and to an extent, not receptive.

Use humor. Don't trivialize what your partner is expressing but try throwing in a tiny joke here and there to dispel that tension. Laugh, smile, look your partner in the eyes.

Trust. Even if that little voice in your head is telling you to shut up or keep quiet because your partner is going to laugh or reject you or hate you forever, trust yourself to care about someone who wouldn't hurt you like that. It's possible that they WILL do those things, but I promise you, it is better to trust and get hurt than to not trust and keep everything inside. Trust in yourself to have valid feelings. Trust yourself to be reasonable, to be fair, to be loving and kind. You are a good person. Just like you wouldn't care about someone who didn't have any redeeming qualities, your partner wouldn't care about you if you weren't a good person.

Give your partner reason to trust you. Just because they do something wrong doesn't mean it's any less wrong for you to do that thing. Extend the olive branch. It's always the right thing to do.

Don't interrupt. If you interrupt someone, you might as well be saying "I don't care what you're saying, listen to me. What I have to say is more important". Nothing shuts me up faster than my SO interrupting me. I've spent a lifetime being silenced by other people and it makes me feel terrible (and unwilling to cooperate) when my SO does that to me. This might mean letting your partner take time to articulate what they mean. It's incredibly rewarding for me when I sit there for a full 60 seconds saying "I mean..." "I don't know.." "It's just..", then actually figure out what I mean and think and want to say and my partner has given me the conversational space to do that. I get that it can be frustrating but our thoughts and feelings are complicated, you can't just expect that everyone will be able to articulate their thoughts right away. Give them time to figure it out and you'll both benefit.

Advocate for yourself. You deserve to have your needs met, but you don't deserve to have someone to meet your needs for you. Explain to your partner how they can help you achieve your needs. For instance, sometimes I need to just vent about something to my partner that is unrelated to our relationship. He used to counter everything I said with a solution until I told him flat out that I just wanted someone to listen to me. I needed to vent so I found someone to talk to and I helped him understand how to help me meet that need.

Ask questions!! This is absolutely the easiest way to get me to talk about something. If my SO just sits there and goes along with everything I say, I don't believe that he understands me. It seems like he's bored or uncomfortable and just wants me to stop talking. If he asks questions, I know he's engaged in the conversation. I feel more validated and I'm a lot more likely to be honest about my feelings.

Don't lie. Lying never helps your partner or your relationship. There may be some things that you don't need to discuss (like how you hate his favorite tshirt or how she loads the dishwasher incorrectly) but for the important stuff, don't lie. When you lie to your partner about serious stuff (like how he's taking his shit out on you or how she's mean to you when she gets drunk) you're only attempting to protect yourself. It's hard, but be honest. If you don't respect your partner enough to be honest, they won't show you that respect either.

Be honest, trust your partner, ditch pride, ask questions, express emotions, accept fault when you're wrong and treat your partner like an individual person.

 

The simple fact that people refer to God as "He" is proof enough that god is but an extension of man's ego.

 

God, an omnipotent creator of the universe, somehow has a gender. Like, this timeless, formless, incomprehensible being so high above we simple human beings somehow still conforms to the sexual dimorphism of sexually producing multicellular eukaryotes?

"God is an incomprehensible perfect non-human being, but we're sure he's got a Devine Cock and Balls".

Do people seriously think a cosmic being beyond the universe is marked by Earthly constructs?

It’s always the human emotions that get me... God is jealous and angry, etc.

If you think of God as the structure or source of creativity in the universe, then we clearly are created in the image of the universe. The ratios of atoms in our body mirror the universes, the fractal branching we see in nature we also see in our bodies, our bodies are the reflection of natural law, the source of which God represents.

Also, in the original Hebrew, "He" in the bible was gender-neutral. They only had one pronoun.

As an agnostic, I do not deny the existence of God--there are too many mysteries in the universe to rationally come to that conclusion--I deny the validity of human religions, which all contradict each other and are all in their own ways ridiculous.

There could be an entity that created the universe and/or guides it in some way, but the likelihood that any one religious sect in the 10s of thousands of religious sects that have existed got it all right, which they all claim, is infinitesimal.

I hate how true this is

 

Kindness

 

It's #notallmen, until you have a daughter.

 

Then suddenly you will be telling her, that she needs to be wary of strange men approaching her. You're gonna tell her to never get into a car with a strange man. When she grows older you will maybe feel a little uncomfortable when she wears revealing clothing to her night out. You will eventually want to meet her boyfriend, just to know that he has his head on straight.

Then all of a sudden, it is all men, because of course, you are a man and "you know how they can be sometimes".

But when women have been telling you all along, how we need to be wary of men you call us "feminazis" and "man-haters", because we have been harrassed, assaulted, beaten and murdered and we just want our peace. How hard is it to understand that we just want to be left alone? That we want to be able to live our days without this constant background fear? I hope you will understand someday.

Would you like to open a card with us today?

 

Can you describe the most beautiful person you've seen but never spoken to?

 

I light a cigarette and idly sip the water from my glass. When I am bored or nervous I tend to plow right through whatever beverage I might have on hand at the time. It is one of the reasons I can’t drink anymore. Doing this with water just cleans out my system and makes me have to piss a lot. Doing it with whiskey generally ends with my ass falling asleep in the back of a police cruiser, or an ambulance, or the neighbor's lawn.

I am bored because my friends are inside doing shots. I am nervous because one of these girls across the fire has the most beautiful eyes I can remember seeing in ever. Probably not ever, but the way they reflect the light of the fire, seeming to absorb it and intensify it all at the same time, hypnotizes me. I have a weakness for girls with pretty eyes, and these ones are far more than merely pretty. There is a bold shyness in the way I catch her taking little peeks at me. She never looks directly at me, but rather watches me out of the corner of her eye. The only thing I can’t be sure of is whether it is because she thinks I’m cute or a potential rapist.

I have a mean face, or so I am told. I am often told I look angry when the only thing that would be making me angry is the fact that I am constantly being told that I am, in fact, angry. Which in itself is a vicious cycle to fall into. I’m not sure what is happening now, exactly, but I desperately hope that isn’t it. I’m too old and too jaded to think anything real will come from any girl I might meet in a bar but there is still a small rebel force of my soul that hasn’t given up on the idea yet.

I am shockingly, painfully, desperately lonely. This is not a sentiment or an emotion I will ever share openly with anyone if I can help it. Lonely is a dirty word. Instead of letting the world know that you are human and long for genuine human connection, at least here, in this state, in this bar, whatever the case may be, it communicates that you are a pathetic creature not worthy of having friends. This is illogical. I have a trio of friends just inside those doors, about twenty feet past the stage and across the dance floor. There are at least a dozen people working in there right now that I would call my friend. Yet, if I were to admit I were lonely to any of them, it would only make me look weak.

I am lonely.

But I don’t say that. I don’t say anything. I quietly smoke my cigarette. My water is, for the moment, forgotten at my side. I glance at this beautiful creature, watching the shadows dance on the soft, haunting curves of her cheeks. I ponder what it would feel like to run my fingers through the gentle natural curls in her hair; what her wet lips would taste like against mine; her fingernails pressing into the back of my neck…

That is a dangerous train of thought to board. I disembark promptly, but still smile with my eyes when she looks my way.

There is an innocence and an honesty to this private flirtation that I have not felt in years that rests heavy on me like decades. There is a certain point where the typical ritual mating dance of man becomes intolerably boring. The first time, the first ten times, it is among the greatest and most exhilarating rushes you can ever feel. It rivals the sudden and inescapable thrill of jumping out of plane, of doing glorious battle with a ten foot wall of vengeful flame, of seeing the needle on your motorcycle tick over 140 where pebbles feel like boulders and you experience the physical manifestation of relativity as existence distorts around you.

This is the feeling of butterflies with razor blade wings fluttering around in your belly. This is life distilled to its very pure essence. It’s what you feel as a kid on Christmas morning, assuming your childhood didn’t suck. If it did, maybe it’s what you felt the first time you could afford to buy yourself something awesome, or the day your shitbag abusive parents finally got locked up for being negligent cum holes. Whatever it is that gets your rocks off personally. Some people have probably never felt it, but to you, I’m sorry. How can you describe sight to the blind? Music to the deaf? I am mighty but I cannot reach my atheist hand into the sky and drag God, kicking and screaming, out of divinity to show him to you.

Yet there is a point when you have done it too many times where that blind fire quits raging through your veins. Fifteen? Twenty? Thirty? I’m not sure. Eventually it becomes a meaningless pornographic parade in which the plot and the dialogue are every bit as ridiculous, monotonous, and boring as what you’d find in your average PornHub video. Welcome to the digital age, where you can stream every emotionless second of being a sexual supernova frame by frame in HD. Soon you’ll probably be able to download the exact chemical recipe to feel it, shot for shot, physically and emotionally. What a time to be alive.

The hubris of middle age is waning and exhausting.

There are only so many times you can grope in the dark to find some vague and unimportant shared interest. Oh, you also like this band that millions of people know and listen to regularly? Fascinating! You’ve got cats? Well that’s just swell. Aren’t animals really great? No, no, I don’t want to see pictures of them. I’m just so caught up looking at your (hideous fucking) eyes, I don’t want to miss a thing (please fucking kill me, you boring cunt) about this moment.

There is a pace to the entire affair. You can generally tell whether you’re going to get laid within the first ten minutes. The predictability is infuriating.

Yet here I am, waking demons better kept with chains cinched about their corpses in the dark recesses, flooded within the pools of alcohol that have yet to be washed from the furthest reaches of my inner caves. It’s not so much a conscious choice. It’s just happening. She looks bored, to be honest with you. As if she finds her friends as uninteresting as I do. Like she could speak and be worth listening to if only she was around someone who it wouldn’t be wasted on. Come waste my time, I’m thinking. Let’s pretend for a cigarette, for an hour, for a lifetime that we haven’t both done this too many times before. Let’s act like teenagers. Let’s not know better. Let’s watch this porn from the beginning, for the plot. Be my rich whore and I’ll be your pool boy, baby. Let’s talk about your cats.

This glass of water I’m drinking is the least satisfying thing I’ve ever consumed in my life but I am guzzling it like a hiker that has been lost alone in the desert for a week. Okay, maybe not quite that greedily, but I’m burning through it either way. I get up to go inside and take a leak but while I walk by this woman we lock eyes for a half second and get stuck there. I could sit here and describe her half smile, the little mole on her cheek, the way the fire shadows cast up from below gave her the faintest sense of being a demon that essentially made certain that I was as helpless in this moment as if she had been a literal succubus. I could tell you about the one stray bang that hung out of place. I could tell you about any of those things in great detail, but instead I’m going to tell you about how I keep walking and two minutes later have my dick in my hand.

 

I’m not hard of hearing

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

I have been letting a spider live in my shower for a week, and now I’m attached to it..

 

First off, I am not Australian.

A week ago, I noticed a tiny spider built a web in the corner of my shower, right above the showerhead. Normally I would panic, but it did not seem to be moving. I just finished my shower very quick and let it stay.

The next day I went to shower, it was still there. I figured it had been there for that long that it would be safe to shower under this time. Besides, I was already naked inside the shower. I was not going to get out and put on some clothes to grab a ladder or cleaner spray or vacuum or whatever weapon I was going to use. I decided to let it be and that I would kill it later.

Well fast forward, a week and the little guy is still there. I am mildly scared of him but he is also not doing much harm either. I guess my biggest fear is if it is a baby and it will grow up to become some poisonous spider or something... I have also seen him move in his web a few times, so I know he is still alive. I just do not know if I could bring myself to kill him at this point. I just feel morally attached to this guy.

Eulogy for... Anthony Azikiwe Omu

 Husband, Lawyer, Provider, Disciplinarian, our father. My dad was extremely proud of us as well as our successes and achievements. “Chief Engineer!" he would call me. He was so proud of me anywhere, anytime and to everyone he knew. He was an imperfect human being who was both kind and short-tempered. He loved us, his family and friends and maybe drove them nuts at times. My dad was loud. Whether barking out commands and expressions of exasperation, or laughing and engaging happily with those he loved, his voice boomed.

Through my dad, I learned some complex lessons pertaining to the head and the heart.

I learned that acceptance is all there really is when it comes to loving someone.

As humans we all have our difficulties, things we have struggled with, nobody is perfect. I know beyond any doubt that he always loved his children and the family generally, sincerely.

I acknowledge my dad’s failings. I love him, and the most sincere way I know of expressing my love (particularly in his absence) is by learning from his mistakes and accepting the responsibility of not repeating them.

I have not quite come to terms with the fact that I will never have another conversation with my father again. I am sure I share that with many of you.

I pray to God to accept all his good deeds and forgive his wrongs.

So, with death setting your spirit free, journey unencumbered. And may your soul find contentment and eternal peace.

Do the basic math, people!

 

Day Off

 

Job interview

 

Back in my day

 

Surviving A Relationship Break-Up - Top 20 Strategies

 

 

Hi Gang,

 

Decided to share this from my therapist. Lengthy read but totally worth it.

 

Surviving a relationship break-up can be one of the most difficult things we ever do and on an emotional level can be one of the most painful processes in our lives. Losing a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife can feel like your heart is literally being torn out. It is not unheard of to talk to students on campus who express suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm at the ending of a relationship. At UHC-Student Counselling Services, relationship issues are one of the top three reasons students seek counselling, many of whom are going through break-ups.

 

People are not well equipped to deal with break-ups, because we rarely are taught anything about healthy coping after a break-up. This handout is designed to give you helpful strategies to cope with your break-up in the healthiest way possible.

 

By using these suggestions, it will not stop you from experiencing the pain of the loss, but instead, will help you move through the grieving process as quickly as possible and let you move on to ultimately have more satisfying relationships in the future.

 

1.          Don’t Fight Your Feelings

 

A break-up is often accompanied by a wide variety of powerful and negative feelings including sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy, fear and regret, to mention a few. If you try to ignore or suppress these feelings, you will likely only prolong the normal grieving process, and sometimes get totally stuck in it. Healthy coping means both identifying these feelings and allowing ourselves to experience these feelings. As hard as it is, you cannot avoid the pain of loss, but realize that by experiencing these feelings, they will decrease over time and you will speed up the grieving process. The stages of grieving frequently include: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, depression and eventually acceptance. Extreme grief feels like it will last forever, but it doesn’t if we cope in some healthy ways.

 

There are several conditions that will likely intensify your negative feelings, including:

 

·            Not being the one who decided to break up.

 

·            Not seeing the break-up coming.

 

·            This being your first serious relationship.

 

·            Your ex being your only real close friend.

 

·            Continuing to run into your ex.

 

·            The relationship having made you feel whole or complete.

 

·            Your ex starting to date someone right away.

 

·            Thinking about your ex being sexual with their new partner.

 

·            Believing that your ex is the only one in the world for you.

 

 

 

2.          Openly Discuss Your Feelings

 

Talking about your feelings related to the break-up is an equally powerful tool to manage them. As we talk to supportive friends and family members, we can come to some new understandings and relieve some of our pain. Holding all of these negative feelings in just doesn’t work, although there may be times when this is necessary, such as in public settings, at work, or in class. As we talk to others, we usually discover that our feelings are normal and that others have survived these feelings. Above all else, don’t isolate yourself or withdraw from those people who can give you support.

 

3.          Write Out Your Thoughts and Feelings

 

In addition to talking to others, it can be very helpful to journal your thoughts and feelings related to the break-up. People are not always available when you need to get out your feelings and some feelings or thoughts may be too private to feel comfortable sharing with others. The act of writing your feelings out can be very freeing and can often give you a different perspective about them.

 

4.          Understand That Break-ups Are Often An Inevitable Part Of Dating

 

Remember that many of our dating relationships will end up in a break-up. This is the very nature of dating. Until we find our best match, we are going to be moving in and out of relationships, so expect it. This way, we won’t feel so devastated when it does happen. Relationships usually end for some good reasons and they should end if we want to find our most suitable partner. Of course, no match will be perfect and we have to decide how long to keep looking and what we can live with. Finding a complementary partner is more than about love and therefore, it is going to likely take many dating relationships to find.

 

5.          Don’t Personalize The Loss

 

It is natural after a break-up to blame yourself, but try not to personalize the loss for too long. Much of the pain of a break-up comes from seeing the loss as your fault and regretting the choices you made while in the relationship. This process of self-blame can go on endlessly if you let it.

 

It is far more helpful to see the ending as a result of conflicting needs and incompatibilities that are no one’s fault. Each person in a relationship is trying to get their own needs met and some couples are able to help fulfill each other’s needs and others are not. One of the biggest issues is being able to communicate and negotiate those needs. It’s not easy to learn, so don’t blame yourself and try not to blame your ex. He or she is likely also doing the best they can, given their personalities and life history. No one goes into a relationship with the goal of making it fail, or hurting the other person.

 

 

 

 

 

6.          Prioritize Basic Self-Care

 

Self-care refers to ensuring that your basic needs are being met, despite the fact that you may be feeling upset and depressed due to the break-up. You may not feel like eating but do it anyways, and try to make some healthy choices in what you eat. Give yourself ample time to sleep, particularly since this may be difficult for you. The short-term use of some herbal alternatives or sleep medications may be necessary to ensure you get the sleep you need. Sleep deprivation will only compound your suffering. Keeping up or starting an exercise routine can also make you feel better both physically and psychologically. Remember, exercise causes the release of endorphins, which can make you feel better.

 

7.          Get Back Into A Routine

 

Since going through a break-up can create a sense of chaos in many areas of your life, continuing on with your routines will give you a better sense of stability or normalcy. Although taking some expectations off yourself temporarily can help, returning to routines shortly after the initial blow can help calm you down and give you a returning sense of control. This might include routines around wake-up and bedtimes, meals, school or work related activities, exercise, and time with others to mention a few.

 

8.          Indulge Yourself

 

If there was ever a time to pamper yourself, it is after a break-up. You need to do something that will actively make yourself feel better. Indulgence can take many forms, depending upon what you really enjoy, but could include: going to a special restaurant, going to a movie with a friend, having a hot bath, trying a massage, going on a short trip, buying something new, taking the weekend off, taking a yoga class or reading your favorite book.

 

9.          Give Yourself Some Slack

 

Expect that you are not going to be functioning at full capacity for a time due to the distress you are experiencing. Therefore, it is not unreasonable to lighten your load for awhile. This might mean allowing yourself a break from studying for awhile, or studying less than you usually would. It could also mean withdrawing from a class if you’re really struggling or working a lot less in a part-time job for awhile. Although some of these options may sound drastic, they will give you more time to adequately process your loss. It may also mean expecting that your grades will go down a bit and not judging yourself for this.

 

10.      Don’t Lose Faith In People Or Relationships

 

Since you may be feeling very hurt after a break-up, it is easy to assume that all men

 

(or women) are bad or untrustworthy, but this just isn’t true. By holding on to this belief, you will be denying yourself all kinds of opportunities for a great relationship

 

 

 

 

in the future. We can’t over-generalize from our limited relationship history and assume that it will never work out. Keep shopping! The more people you meet, the greater the chance you will find your best match.

 

11.      Let Go Of The Hope You Will Get Back Together

 

Unless there is some very strong evidence that you will reunite with your ex, try to let go of this possibility. Bringing closure to the relationship is impossible if you continue to hold onto the hope that the relationship will be resurrected. This means don’t wait by the phone for a call, or try to e-mail or text them to try to have a little more connection, or beg to get back together, or make threats to get them back (i.e., you will commit suicide). These options will only perpetuate your emotional distress in the long term and make you come across as desperate, which will further impact your already shaken self-esteem. Life is too short to wait for someone to come back to you after a break-up.

 

12.      Don’t Rely On Your Ex For Support Or Try To Maintain A Friendship

 

It’s not helpful to depend on your ex after a break-up, especially to help you overcome the pain of the break-up. It makes it a lot harder to get over someone if you’re continuing to see them or trying to maintain a friendship. After a significant period

 

(i.e. months) of no contact, a friendship might be possible, but wait until you’re feeling very emotionally strong again.

 

13.      Avoid Unhealthy Coping Strategies

 

There are several ways of coping with a break-up that are considered quite unhelpful and will likely only compound your problems. These include such choices as drinking excessively, doing drugs, overeating, self-harm, gambling excessively, or becoming a workaholic. You may be tempted to do whatever you can to avoid feelings of loneliness and pain, but it is essential to find healthier ways to cope.

 

14.      Make A List Of Your Ex’s Annoying Qualities

 

If you have been feeling bad because you keep thinking about how much you miss your ex or how well suited you were to them, it can be helpful to make a list of all of their less endearing qualities. Particularly if you didn’t initiate the break-up, it’s easy to focus on everything about your ex that you will miss, which can only magnify your suffering. If you spend some time reflecting, you may come to see incompatibilities in the relationship that make it easier to let go and come to see that there is likely a better match out there for you.

 

15.      Avoid The Temptation To Take Revenge

 

The idea of retaliating against someone who you feel may have hurt you significantly is very tempting, but making this choice may have unforeseen consequences.

 

 

 

 

Depending on how angry you are, these consequences could lead to criminal charges if you did something like keying their car, stalking them, or damaging other property. As much as this might feel like a good idea in your height of passion, it only makes you feel more out of control. Closure is promoted when contact of any kind is minimized.

 

16.      Examine What You Can Learn From The Relationship

 

We can learn a lot from all the relationships we have been in, particularly ones that are painful. It’s very helpful after a relationship ends to spend some time thinking about and writing down what you have learned so that you can have better relationships in the future. However, don’t use this as an opportunity to beat yourself up or blame yourself for the relationship not lasting. Learning promotes growth, while self-blame

(i.e. feeling you’re a failure) only extends your suffering.

 

17.      Make a List Of All The Benefits Of Being Single

 

Although being single again may be an unwelcome event, if you were not the one who chose to break-up, it is worth reminding yourself there are some definite benefits to being single. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

 

·   You are now much more able to put your own needs first.

 

·   You will soon have the excitement of dating again, even though this may feel a little scary.

 

·   You will have more control over your daily routines, not having to negotiate these with someone else.

 

·   You can spend more time with friends and family, who may have been feeling neglected.

 

·   You can do some traveling, that you might not have been able to do with your partner.

 

·   You can choose jobs outside of the immediate area, because your partner isn’t affecting your choices.

 

·   You can eat what you want, when you want to.

 

·   You can go to bed and get up on your own schedule.

 

·   You will be able to meet lots of new people, since you now have more time to do so.

 

·   You may now be free of criticism.

 

·   You will have much more individual freedom.

 

·   You have the whole bed to yourself.

 

·   You now have more time to study.

 

·   You can be as messy as you want.

 

 

 

18.      Perform A Closure Ritual

 

At some point in the process of letting go and grieving the loss, it can be very helpful to have a closure ritual. This symbolic gesture can be very meaningful if it is well thought out and considers the right timing. This could involve such things as: writing a letter to yourself or to your ex with your final words regarding the relationship, removing all of the photos you have of your ex, or burning some reminders of your ex in a ceremonial fashion.

 

19.      Remember That You Can Survive On Your Own

 

It is important after a break-up to remind yourself that you were able to survive on your own before you entered the relationship and you will be able to survive on your own now that you’re no longer together. Relationships do not and should not make us whole, even though they are a part of our life and our happiness. We all need to be able to stand on our own and meet our own needs, regardless of the status of any one of our relationships. Remember, the healthiest relationships are with two people who are able to meet their own needs.

 

20.      Start Dating Again

 

Although it is often hard to decide when the best time to date again is, don’t jump right back in and don’t wait forever. You do need to grieve the loss and discover what you can learn from the past relationship, but you also have to move on, which means beginning to date again. Keeping the dating more casual at first might be wise, rather than jumping right into a deep, meaningful, long-term relationship. Dating can help you see that there are lots of other possible connections out there, if you open yourself up to this possibility. More dating will mean more risks, but there is no alternative unless you’re content living your life without a partner. Some people can be content in relationships with just friends and family, but most people need more than this to feel completely fulfilled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written by Dr. Kim Maertz

 

Mental Health Centre

 

University of Alberta