Superb Powers

 

The connection between codependency and counterdependency

 

What is counterdependency?

 

Codependency, the habit of gaining your self worth from pleasing others, is something most people know of nowadays.

But it’s lesser known opposite, called counterdependency, can be just as much of a problem and is often related to codependency.

In fact sometimes a person will switch from one extreme to the other in a relationship, becoming counterdependent after months or years of codependency.

So what is counterdependency? In many ways, it’s really a fancy word for fear of intimacy. Those who suffer counterdependency have a dread of ever depending on or needing anyone, at heart of which is an inability to trust. If there was a mantra that all counterdependents have, it would probably be “I don’t need anyone.”

The signs of counterdependency

Counterdependents can often come across as vibrant, ‘life of the party’ sorts, or be the kind who have many friends and relationships. The difference is that those relationships will not be deep and trusting, and might not last.

So one of the main signs of counterdependency is an inability to have connected and authentic relationships. This involves:

·         seeming good at relating but then having a ‘point’ or ‘wall’ where it stops

·         feeling ‘trapped’ in relationships

·         pushing people away or going cold without warning

·         fear of abandonment or rejection (so abandon or reject first)

·         might have one short relationship after another

·         tendency to date needy ‘over givers’ (codependents)

·         might have different personalities for different people (to avoid being ‘seen’)

·         are always ‘busy’ (might even overwork or have too many hobbies to avoid intimacy)

·         anxiety and fear arising if relationships get too deep

·         can make all touch into something sexual (to avoid emotional things like tenderness)

·         might date people they aren’t a good match with (so they don’t fall in love) and keep people they are good match with as only friends

·         instead of asking for support in relationship prone to complaining and sulking

Because a counterdependent seeks to avoid anyone getting close enough they are tempted to depend on them, communication becomes tempered by lack of trust, which manifests as:

·         walk away from or avoid conflict, or need to be right

·         don’t trust others’ motives but instead often second guess people

·         a constant sense that others always let them down

·         rarely ask others for help

Then there is the inner world of a counterdependent. With a childhood that often left them to fend for themselves emotional (see causes, below) a counterdependent can have a tumultuous mind, including:

·         being oversensitive to criticism of others even as they often criticise

·         often hard on themselves, hate making mistakes

·         suffer an inner soundtrack of intense self-criticism

·         don’t relax easily

·         can experience shame if they feel needy

·         see vulnerability as weakness

·         secretly suffer feelings of loneliness and emptiness

·         might have difficulty remembering childhood

Related mental health conditions to counterdependency

Why is counterdependency such a big deal? First of all, it can cause intense (if often well hidden) feelings of loneliness. This can often spiral into depression and anxiety. If it isn’t the loneliness that causes severe low moods, it’s often the hidden low self-esteem that counterdependents suffer from, which is one of the leading pathways to major depressive episodes.

There is also the possibility of developing grandiosity or even narcissistic personality disorder. Clinging to the notion that you don’t need others or that others are not ‘good enough’ to understand you can mean you develop an inflated sense of being superior, which taken too far can mean you lose empathy for others entirely.

What do counterdependent people think?

 

What do the thoughts of a counterdependent sound like, then? The below are the sorts of thinking counterdependency produces –

·         “I don’t need anyone”.

·         “Don’t let them too close they’ll just disappoint you”.

·         “I’d rather be successful than have a relationship anyway”.

·         “Love is overrated, I don’t need it”.

·         “People just take take take and leave me drained, it’s not worth it”.

·         “I’m too good for him/her anyway”.

·         “Don’t let your guard down, or they’ll just hurt you”.

·         “He/she could never handle me”.

·         “Nobody can understand me, they aren’t smart enough”.

The connection between codependency and counterdependency

A codependent appears to be the opposite of a counterdependent person. They believe that they need another’s attention to have any self worth, and tend to manipulate by their smothering attentions to their partner.

Although it might sound like the last person a counterdependent would choose to be involved with, it’s actually a very common match. A counterdependent person will initially be attracted to the codependent’s apparent show of understanding and warmth.

Why are codependents and counterdependents so often in relationships together? Because underneath a counterdependent person’s belief they don’t need anyone ais a deep desire to finally be able to let their guard down and fully trust and love another.

Because codependency and counterdependency both revolve around needing others, whether that is wanting or avoiding, it’s not uncommon for partners in a ‘dependency based ‘ relationship to switch roles.

A common example is when after years of constantly seeking out and desperately needing another’s attentions, a codependent finally gains the courage to step away and stand on their own to feet. Not used to such a move, a codependent often overdoes it and goes cold on the other person or shuts them out, acting like a counterdependent. This often see the other person who usually is emotionally aloof (counterdependent) suddenly panicking to lose all the attention they are used to and becoming needy (codependent). This ‘push pull’ dance can go back and forth indefinitely.

Why am I counterdependent?

Counterdependency often develops as an adult from the result of happenings in your childhood.

This could be childhood trauma. Something might have happened that instilled a belief in you that others can’t be trusted, and that it is dangerous to need them. This might have been a parent leaving, a person close to you dying, abuse, or a tragedy befalling your family.

But counterdepedency could also arise from the kind of parenting you received from your main caregiver during the beginnings of your childhood.

 

Called ‘attachment’, the connection a child forms with this caregiver the first few months and years of life is very important, determining how they will relate to the world and others in the future.
“Attachment theory” sees a healthy attachment, where parents are sensitive to the needs of their child, meaning that the child is likely to grow up able to manage their emotion, be confident in themselves, and handle relationships well.

But your parental figure was not emotionally available, was unreliable or unresponsive to your needs, pushed you to be more independent than a child should have to be, or even was dangerous to you, subjecting you to emotional or physical abuse, then you will develop what is known as “avoidant attachment” or ‘anxious attachment’ style.

Even though a child should be able to need a parental figure, a child in such a situation will suppress his or her reliance on the caregiver and not turn to the parent when upset, suffering, or needing comfort. In other words, you decide at a very young age that it is too dangerous to trust your caregiver, and work to not attach to them.

Of course as a child this is a survival tactic that might help, and helps you avoid unwarranted rejection or punishment. The problem is when you continue to use this survival tactic – not allowing any dependency on others in order to keep yourself ‘safe’ -well into your adulthood without questioning its relevancy.

This translates into becoming an adult who doesn’t trust others to be for them, thinks they can take complete care of themselves without help, and who might secretly be very lonely indeed.

This is why one definition that is given to counterdependency in psychology circles is ‘the refusal of attachment”.

So what is it I should aim for instead of counterdependency?

A healthy person does not either need people all the time or never need them. Rather, they understand what is called interdependency.

Interdependency is when we acknowledge that we can take care of ourselves, and desire to be in charge of our lives, even as we allow ourselves to be interconnected with others and rely on them for some things.

When we are interdependent, we can allow ourselves to need things from others at the same time as knowing that if they can’t provide what we hope for we’ll be fine by ourselves. So it’s not about depending on others from need, or not depending on others due to fear, but depending on others now and then as you share your life or interests with them and it makes life easier and happier.

What do I do if I think I’m a counterdependent?

Therapy is recommended if you find that counterdependency has made it hard for you to fully be yourself around others or engage in long lasting, supportive relationships. Many kinds of psychotherapy can help.

Long term suggestions include psychodynamic psychotherapy (looking at your past for patterns affecting your future) and existential psychotherapy (exploring your personal world view and unique experiences) and person-centred psychotherapy, which focuses on your potential for growth and change.

A good short-term option could be dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) which focuses exclusively on how your relationships are affecting your wellbeing.

 

 

Being a Considerate Person

 

Nun Jokes

 

Three nuns die and are met by an angel at the gates of heaven. The angel, standing behind a big bowl of holy water, tells them "if you have sinned, confess."

The first nun says, "I touched a penis with my right hand."

The angel answers "Dip your hand in the water, and go on in."

The nun does as told and passes through the gates to her afterlife.

As the second nun opens her mouth to speak, the third nun interferes:

"Can i just gargle some water before this bitch dips her ass in?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the gate, peter is waiting for them and tells them "you have to answer a question to get into heaven."

Peter asks the first nun "Who turned water into wine?"

The first nun responds, "Jesus did!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the first nun entered heaven.

Peter then asks the second nun "Who was in a whale’s mouth for disobeying?"

The second nun responds "Jonah!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the second nun entered heaven.

Peter finally asks the last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

The final nun while thinking about the unfair question says "oh that’s a hard one" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the final nun entered heaven.

Someone saw an opportunity...

 

Relief

 

Angel lust poking through the dirt.

 

it’s a message, not a summons

 

Just because technology allows us to reply to someone in real time does not mean you have an obligation to do so. You don’t have to apologize for taking time to respond!

This is meant for those that want to maintain a healthy balance between work, personal life, and technology. I consider a reply timely and professional if it’s within 24 hours. Obviously if it’s an emergency you should respond sooner!

As long as a reply isn’t urgent or necessary, remember it’s a message, not a summons. I really struggle with this and have had to stop myself from dropping everything to respond.

I totally understand this feeling! I’ve gotten so stressed out and worked up over messages I’ve gotten while at work, at school, or otherwise dealing with something else far more important, that I’ve been unable to respond to or didn’t know how to respond to immediately. It’s crazy how it’s just become the norm for people to demand responses immediately even though its way better for everyone involved to have time to process information before responding to it, especially if it’s of a sensitive nature of any kind.

I hate Facebook for forcing this on people in Messenger. I have no idea what purpose is of making it so the person you’re messaging can see whether or not you’ve seen the message or not aside from trying to cause fights between people. I’m aware you can get around this in a few ways but that aside, it’s still ridiculous that you can’t simply turn the read receipts off like you can with iMessage chats. It’s helped to breed this culture of assuming someone is ignoring you because they “saw” your message right when you sent it because they might’ve had their phone or browser open or whatever but didn’t respond right away when they saw it because they were busy or simply didn’t want to respond to it right away.

I miss the “G2G” days of IM and MSN, because all the awesome aspects of chatting online were there, but you got to walk away from it after a conversation and weren’t expected to respond to messages until you signed in again, and there wasn’t the same expectation for an immediate response like there is now.

Is it ghosting if the other person doesn't contact you either?

If you are writing to someone and they are not writing back to you, or are writing back a day or a week later you are being ghosted to some degree. It means that the person is trying to get you to go away without actually telling you that. Even if you think they're into you, even if they started the relationship. For whatever reason, you're not a priority for them anymore.

It happens for any number of reasons. It could be that you screwed up, it could mean that they've found someone they like more than you, or it could have nothing to do with you in any way. It is NOT occurring because they are busy or sick or tired. If they wanted to talk to you they would take the two seconds to write to say they are busy and that they would text you later. So stop thinking that way. They're just not into you.

If you are being ghosted here is how you deal with it.

Do not continue to text them. You can't dig your way out of a hole. You're making yourself look pathetic and clingy which makes them less likely to write you back. If they want to get back in touch with you they will, so just let go.

Do not ask them if you did something wrong or try to get validation from them. They are ghosting you because the thought of telling you to leave them alone is uncomfortable. They sure as hell lack the directness to tell you what went wrong. In general, don't look to dating partners as a means of validation. The only person who needs to validate you is you.

Don't take it personally. It sucks, we've all been ghosted. Just forget it and move on.

Learn to walk away. There are a lot of posts asking what they can do to salvage a relationship when this starts. Don't try, walk away. You deserve someone who is delighted to see you and spend time with you. Go find someone who's eyes light up when they see you. Don't go chasing someone who doesn't feel that you're worthy of the 5 seconds it would take to text you.

Hope this is helpful in some way.

Cheers

 

What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment

Silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is willing to communicate – Wikipedia

People who use the silent treatment may even refuse to acknowledge the presence of the other person. 

It can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse. This is the case when one person uses it to control and manipulate the other.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where you couldn’t get someone to talk to you, or even acknowledge you, you’ve experienced the silent treatment. You may even have given it yourself at some point.

 

People use the silent treatment for a number of reasons. These include:

•          Avoidance: In some cases, people stay silent in a conversation because they do not know what to say or want to avoid conflict.
•          Communication: A person may use the silent treatment if they do not know how to express their feelings but want their partner to know that they are upset.
•          Punishment: If a person uses silence to punish someone or to exert control or power over them, this is a form of emotional abuse.

But some people use the silent treatment as a tool for exerting power over someone or creating emotional distance. If you’re on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, you might feel completely ostracized.

People who use the silent treatment as a means of control want to put you in your place. They’ll give you the cold shoulder for days or weeks on end to achieve those goals. This is emotional abuse.

Healthy mature adults communicate their disagreements. If a behavior bothers them, it is encouraged to talk about it. It isn’t viewed as a threat. That is the sign of a healthy relationship and sense of self. If one doesn’t feel that they have done something wrong, they say something like "that was not my intention. Now that I know, I will try not to do it again.” The focus is on resolution. Both parties are comfortable taking responsibility for their actions, past, present and future (on the other hand, an abuser will never, ever apologize. Will gaslight, punish, or run). If space is needed, it is communicated.

Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.

Being ignored is just as powerful.

 

So, what’s your plan for seducing Bill Gates?

I got an email in suspiciously broken English from Bill Gates a couple of weeks back saying he wanted to give me 50,000,000 USD so I don't need to bother seducing him.

Hopefully the £20,000 I sent him for clearance of the funds will have gone through by now so I should be getting my money any day now.

 

Okay, now to serious business, It has to be natural, I don't think Bill would take kindly to all the gold-diggers plotting to seduce him as we speak in dark corners of the internet.

I want to captivate him, and make myself accessible at the same time. Get him to make the first move.

I'll research his interests, and write multiple NYT bestsellers books in those categories. Then, I'll hold a number of book signings suspiciously overlapping with Bill's travel itinerary until we finally meet for the first time, and we exchange numbers.

I'll frequent his haunts, and flash a smile at him every time. Soon we're talking daily like old friends. About our projects, about our vision for the world, about our loneliness and desires. Something resonates with him, and I feel his heart beat faster whenever we're together. We play tennis, we travel, we work together. I help out at his foundation, Melinda keeps giving me the stink eye. Everyone can see it but Bill himself.

Then, one day he sees Bezos chatting me up and a deep burning rage bellows up inside him and it finally clicks. He likes me. He's jealous.

We're together for barely a month before I move in. I satisfy him like Melinda never did. A year goes by before he proposes to me, but I stop him and say, "only with a prenup".

And that's when he knows it's true love. I set out to seduce him, but somewhere along the line he seduced me back. We fuck like rabbits till sunrise.

Something is missing, we can't have children together, but nothing's ever stopped Bill before. He funds 150 startups with promising biotechnology to allow two men to conceive a biological child. It's silly. Inane. Will there even be enough market demand to recoup all the research investment? It doesn't matter. He's doing this for us.

A short 3 years later, one of the experimental genetic techniques yields an embryo with a perfect mix of our DNA. It's a boy. The gays are jealous and demand access but it's a good 10 years before FDA approval for the public.

We spend a glorious 20 years together before Bill passes. So short, yet it felt like several lifetimes. Still, the grief is too much and I die of grief still holding his hand an hour later.

When I wake up, my memories come flooding back as I exit the simulation. My mind is a jumbled mess and my heart pounds in confusion, but I rip open my pod and find Bill there waiting. We cry into each other's arms and hold each other tight. Somehow, in that vast virtual world, we had found each other.

The media gets ahold of the preposterous story and calls it a hoax, a setup, a fraud. Among billions of people, we found each other and overcame all odds? Overcoming differences in age, class, sexuality... no one believes it except us.

We'll always find a way.

We're soulmates.