Have you ever walked away from a relationship while you were
still in love with that person?
I have, about 264 hours ago. I love her but because I
do, I walked away.
The thing in the way of our bond, unlike any I'll ever find
again, is that we've been caught in an endless cycle of fights and
"reconciliations" followed by promises to change behaviors (which
then don't get changed and result in more hurt and disappointment) for over 2 years
now. We've tried everything, or maybe not tried enough. We just seem to get
sucked back into the same patterns where we both get hurt really badly over and
over again. Especially her. I think she is the one who has sacrificed her own self-worth
due to the vast amount of blame she takes. I'm not including many more details
than that because I don't need advice, really--I know I made the right decision
and that I need to stick to it. Even though my heart is suffering, and doesn't
want to believe it.
What I could use is some support from people who have been in
similar situations who are further down the road to healing than I am right now.
It seems so wrong. It seems like the opposite of what to do. To walk away from
someone you love so so much, but I just don't see any hope of our situation
getting better. Or her really understanding me or the repercussions of her unintentional
hurtful behavior and actions. Have you ever done something similar? Can you
reassure me that sometimes it's the right thing to do? The issues that stand in
between us seem to be mainly about misunderstanding and empathy. I am drained
from having to explain my hurt over and over and seeing no changes being made.
I am so disappointed and devastated that something that is a matter of just
"getting it" and being supportive is standing in the way. But I have
lost hope and I feel similar to someone in mourning. I didn't want this. But
for some reason it happened and I can't lie to myself anymore.
We suffered from a condition (that’s as much as I am willing
to be descriptive), which prevented us from "bonding". We agreed as long as we
were working on this condition and bonding in other ways, we will be just fine.
But I don't want to be the one reminding her, for a couple of reasons. Firstly,
it feels really grimy and unpleasant to be telling her to do it, because it
feels like I'm trying to take control of her. It's also putting all the
responsibility on me.
Secondly, it makes it seem very clear that this is being
done purely for my benefit. She's not doing this because she wants
to bond with me; she's doing it so that I can bond with her.
That is very unappealing and makes me feel unwanted. I want to bond with her
for the emotional connection and the mutual passion/desire. If it's being
delivered to me simply to keep me "happy" then that's not what I want
at all, and defeats the entire purpose. We don’t even bond in other ways we
agreed to without my asking for it.
I just wish she would keep fighting, keep trying, therapy or
anything else. But then again, all of these will be of no use if it is like I
fear, among other things that she is losing attraction to me. I feel as
if I'm being pitied.
It’s only an issue she can deal with, my willing to support
in any form along the way means nothing without that realization. Little can be
as painful as support becoming pressure.
In break ups I have been able to heal because an obvious
reason and wrong was committed. Or someone just didn't love me. But this is so
hard. I love her. And we've always supported each other. But this
"thing" is in the way of love being enough. Will time apart help? I
know that sometimes it takes losing something to truly make changes.
Walking away from the love of my life because it just isn't
working right now. And it seems wrong but right and confusing as hell. I don't
know if this is right or wrong.
There were plenty of times I never felt appreciated or like she
wanted to put the effort into us, which made me emotionally exhausted and in
turn caused more fights. Looking back, I wanted to change her more than I
should have, which should have been a red flag early on in the relationship.
But I saw it more as "if she really cared about me, she should WANT to
change herself to be more like what I wanted/needed". I now always try to
remember that a relationship and partner are supposed to bring out the very
best in you, and vice versa. If you're always angry and always resenting each
other, that is the last thing that happens. You can’t force someone to change
themselves if THEY don't want to. Love doesn't work that way and it took me 2
years to figure that out.
Breaking up is never ever easy, but you can only go up from
here. And who knows, without contact, maybe down the road if you two work on
yourselves and if it's meant to be, then maybe you two will work out. But if
not, there's someone out there who would be HAPPY to work and fight for you how
you need them to.
