Lacking The Initiative in Your Relationship?

Lack of initiative could include the relationship or marriage itself, but can also be played out in the arenas of parenting, budgeting, trip planning, domestic and chores, and lots of other places. What you don’t always realize is that constant lack of initiative promotes relationship “scars” for years to come. It chips away at the foundation of your otherwise good relationship.

Does this lack of initiative pattern characterize your relationship or marriage? Are you lacking the initiative in your relationship? How would you know it if you’re not?

If you think you’ve gotten lazy, or have had a problem taking the initiative in your relationship, consider these 6 ways to change your lack of initiation:

1.       Start by listening and taking your partner’s words more seriously. They have probably been telling you for some time what their issues are, but have you been tuned in? Have they felt like you are really taking them seriously, and not just giving them lip service?

2.       Consider the ways from which you fail to take the initiative: what could alternative behaviors look like? What would you do differently if you were in their shoes?

3.       Think about the areas where you can take more initiation in your relationship or marriage: romantically (initiate more physical touch, sex, more activities together), domestically (cleaning, cooking, trash, bills, parenting), hobbies (planning nights out, vacations, etc.), or general interest in their well-being, stress or overall health.

4.       Admit to yourself what prevents you from taking initiative: laziness? Depression? Thinking about yourself? Disinterest in your partner? Boredom? Resentment or defiance? All of these could be valid reasons once you admit them to yourself, put them out on the table and start talking about them. They can change your stance and make you more open once you start acknowledging them.

5.       Approach your relationship with a different “How can I help?” attitude. It might change your perspective, and change your approach to taking initiative. Take your marriage more seriously, and think about how the things you do (and don’t do) have effects on your partner – positively or negatively. Find your place of empathy for your partner, and see what the world looks like from their perspective.

6.       Find out what motivates you to initiate. You may not be a planner by nature, or are particular interested in doing many things to take more initiative. But what do you do that motivates you? Taking the initiative at home or in your marriage may look different than her version of you having more initiative. So, communicate about it, and make sure she understands that it’s still initiative on your part – even if it looks different from their version. You may be taking initiative in your work, or in other ways you haven’t been validated for, so start communicating more with your partner.

You allocate hard-earned time, resources and money on the things that you value most, and sometimes, your relationship could use some more of that attention and resources. I think one of the best ways is to ask yourself the above questions, start to take a bit more initiative, and see how your relationship improves as a result. Without the constant “stepping up” to take more initiative, your relationship (and you) may have problems on your hands down the road as a result.