When things fall apart, they really fall apart.

When things fall apart, they really fall apart. I had been sober since December 26th. Got pretty fucking drunk last night.

Things built up and built up and I couldn't handle it anymore. Completely lost my shit, and wanted to die, just like I did at Christmas.

No excuses. I'm a big boy, and I should be able to take care of myself. But I let myself down, I let my friends down, and I let my kids down.

Mental health problems are a real motherfucker. Things that are normally no big deal can feel massive.

And actual problems seem catastrophic. It's an ugly, lonely, terrible feeling, and it can be so fucking hard to escape it.

I have lots and lots of problems. Some very real. Some in my own fucked up brain. I tried this time. So hard. I tried to fight through.

I did what I thought was right for my children, even though it killed me inside.

I went to the one person I was sure I could count on, but they didn't want to deal with me and my problems. And that killed me a little more.

So I fell. Right back to where I was on Christmas Day. Out of control and wishing I was dead.

Trying to find a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident so my kids would get my insurance.

I decided last night that I was gonna do it at work today. Even had a couple drinks before I headed in to stiffen my resolve.

Couldn't do it, tho. I love my boys too much to do that to them. I love my friends too much to do that to them.

Things seem so fucking bad when I'm like that. Like my life is a bottomless well of despair.

Yeah, things are bad at home. Things are tough for everyone.

Yeah, the girl I love doesn't love me back. Welcome to being an adult, Ben.

It's hard. And last night it was just a perfect storm. Everything coming together in a crescendo of misery. And I fell.

But, I'm still here. I owe my friends an apology. A big one.

Especially Kira. She did her very best to talk me down yesterday, and I failed her. I love her dearly, and I hope she'll forgive me.

And lots of other people. Shimmy and James have stuck by me no matter how fucked up I was, and I love them.

All my friends in the Wankers are the most amazing, supportive, non-judgmental people I've ever met. I'm so lucky to have them. Sorry folks.

And I have to thank Erin, because she reached out to me this morning and made me see some sense in the chaos that was my brain.

So I'm gonna start over. December 18th. I'm gonna try really hard to not let you guys down again. The people that care, I mean.

Because I know there are lots of people that care. Bethany cares fiercely and I don't think I'll ever be able to let her know what she means.

Please try to be kind to each other. There's enough ugliness out there. Pick each other up instead of pushing each other down.

Sorry for interrupting your day, everyone.