When I saw her

The first time I saw her, everything in my head went quiet.
All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
When you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, you don't really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I'm thinking...
"Did I lock the doors? Yes."
"Did I wash my hands? Yes"
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips,
or the eyelash on her cheek,
the eyelash on her cheek,
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.

My Chaos

I am trying to sleep on the front porch of forgiveness.
I am too young to be this lonely.
I didn't leave the door of my love unlocked
so you could mistake my sadness for a shelf.
Still, do not mistake all of my honest open for empty.
I do not have room to carry anyone's chaos but mine.
If I sink, it will be in my own ocean; If I float, it will be on the ship I built myself.

I'm in love with reciprocity.

You know nothing of love until you watch someone go hungry for you.
Even then, what do you know of hunger?
I am a good person, I think,
though I need the flesh of another to make it through the long, endless day.
I don't believe being a vegetarian is any better.
I slice the meat of an onion, and I'm overcome by the life it spills.
An onion makes us weep because it loves us,
though that, too, is a defense mechanism.
I think beauty is when a person is so afraid of losing something, they cry.
I'm in love with reciprocity.
I eat, you eat.
I starve, you starve.
I hunt, we live.
Home is where I only fear what will break through the walls.
For instance, my father hit my mother, and now the door is locked.
People cry when they see how meat is made, until they want to eat.

Getting so angry with your significant other in arguments?

Why so mad over menial things? You can't seem to control yourself or what to say which escalates every argument further?

I can sympathize because this happens to me a lot. Often my reaction in an argument is to feel threatened and so I instinctively deploy my defense mechanisms which for me manifest in speaking loudly. I think I get caught up in having the mindset of 'well you've done this too me' etc. so it gets personal quickly, I don't think it helps that my girlfriend gets so defensive about the littlest things as well naturally.

I've never become violent. I've never caused physical harm towards the person I'm arguing with but regardless my defense mechanisms, the things my brain is doing in the background to try and protect itself, are scary and threatening to others. What's worse is when the other party calls me out on those behaviors, it makes me feel worse, makes me feel more threatened and I react the same way as if I was being pinned down, unable to move or backed into a corner.

As I'm sure you know, all of that stuff immediately clouds over the actual thing being argued about and now escalates based solely on defensive reactions.

Now from the calm of this discussion, it's easy to look at the other party and realize they are doing some form of the same thing. Something happens to make them feel threatened and they are putting their defenses up, maybe the same way you do, maybe a different way.

Now we need to consider the goal of the argument. When it starts you're trying to convince the other person to see things the way you do, or to be convinced to see things the way they see them. Things escalate when you believe the other party has misunderstood you, or misrepresented what you've said and particularly if you think they've done so unfairly. So it's natural to try and correct their misunderstanding but often this will lead the other person to feel the same way about how you're treating them.

When it escalates to shouting and aggressive behavior, the situation is being driven by wanting to defend yourself (and on an instinctual level hard for you to consciously counteract) and is no longer about trying to convince the other person of the original point.

So what does all this lead us to? How do you counteract this?

Early on in the conversation when the other person misunderstands you, or misrepresents you, even if they do so unfairly, allow it to pass (this is really hard to do). Allow them to continue unabated until they have finished making their point. (Essentially hold your tongue)

This does a few things.

1.     Is it demonstrates respect which aside from being the "proper" thing to do, it holds their defensive impulses at bay. While they are talking, their brain is noticing that you're listening and don't pose a threat so they are less likely to turn to their defensive behaviors.

2.    And I feel most important, it allows the other person to completely explain their point of view which often will address the things you thought they misunderstood earlier. It lets them "correct the record" if you will. Some many times, if you're able to hold your tongue when you first hear something that's "misunderstood" you'll find the other person later on will say something that reveals they actually do "get it".

3.     And also very important. It gives you time to reconsider the things you've heard, work out some details that weren't immediately obvious and perhaps realize you misjudged the other person when you thought they misunderstood you. A little bit of time and space between hearing something that feels threatening and going into defense mode goes a long way.

And hey I totally get it, even knowing all this, it's really hard to put it into practice because the reactions are almost subconscious. Recognize that it's your brain trying to protect you. It's not because you are evil, or bad, or broken, or shameful, it's because your protective system developed that way for whatever reason. And yes it will take hard work to fix it. Bit by bit, baby steps. Sometimes some basic "arguing rules" are helpful. On rule I find helpful is the 20 minute rule.

Twenty Minute Rule: At any point in a conversation/argument, either party is allowed to call for a 20 minute break with the understanding that after 20 minutes both parties agree to come back together to resume the conversation/argument.

This will allow you to cool down, process and refocus on the real goal of the conversation. But the most important part of this rule is allowing the other person to get their 20 minutes. There will be many times when you're in the middle of making your point and the other person wants to walk away. That can feel terrible, like you're not getting your fair shot to make your case and right the wrongs and misconceptions, but you know they're coming back in 20 minutes at which time you can try and make your case again. You'll find lots of things get fixed all on their own in those 20 minutes.

There are many ways to go about this as each relationship is unique. Anybody in a successful relationship will tell you that it's a vital skill to be able to put an argument on hold for a moment or longer and still be around each other. Remember that you are two different people and need to find those differences and figure out how they can fit together. It's okay to have them, and it’s okay to fight.

You have to be willing to be wrong. Nobody wants to be wrong. Most people don't argue a point they think is wrong (unless they're playing devil's advocate, which has a place but is another issue). And in some cases, nobody is wrong.

If you are so invested in every position you argue that you can't imagine any other solution being correct, then you are going to take the argument personally. Every point against your argument will come across as an attack against you.

Losing a normal argument shouldn't leave you bitter. You should be left pondering the new information you've gained and deciding how to apply it in the future.

Other than that, just make sure you're actually listening to what he/she says. Too often, people are more worried about their next point than they are what the other person is saying. You should acknowledge and build off each other’s points, otherwise it turns into a game of "I'm right, no I'm right".

I'm not an expert but changing how you think about your relationship might help. Don't see it as "me vs her/him" but "us vs the problem". When you're in a relationship, you're a team. If something is bugging you or your partner, you can't be the most effective team, can you? So know what's important to you, what you're willing to make compromises on, what you're not, and be able to understand when you and your teammate need to call it quits if you can't work it out (last resort, obviously).

Thanks for hanging in there on this long post. I hope you get as much out of it as I did by writing it.

Happy New Year

If it didn't bring you joy
leave it behind
Let's ring in the new year
with good things in mind

Let every bad memory
that brought heartache and pain
And let's turn a new leaf
with the smell of new rain

Let's forget past mistakes
making amends for this year
Sending you these greetings
to bring you hope and cheer

Happy New Year!

Emotional Infidelity

Being in relationship dilemmas. One says they are in love with two people. Another says they love a man but he is married. Another one says he and his best friend’s girlfriend are in love. Some have crossed sexual boundaries and live with the repercussions up to date. They seem to all have the same questions:

• “She is someone’s wife but I just fell in love and I don’t know how it happened. How do I get out of this mess?”
• “We are not dating but things got awkward between us.”
• “One day we found ourselves admitting that we like each other. His girlfriend and my boyfriend don’t know.”
• “He is married but I am always thinking about him.”
• “I feel we were meant to be, but she knows I have a girlfriend.”
• “I’m married but I like this other guy.”

I am certain there are a variety of diagnoses we can refer to many of the scenarios above. What was the foundation of the relationship? Do they know the meaning of a committed relationship? Do they understand what love truly is? And these are very valid and important questions to answer. However, today I want to focus on one particular diagnosis that we often don’t address; that is emotional infidelity. One of the reasons many scenarios like these are rife in our generation is because people calculate relationships with their IQ while instead they ought to be calculating it with their EQ (emotional intelligence quotient). To put is so crudely, we have a generation of Einsteins in the workplace and in the Universities but who are pale when it comes to relationships. They score bonuses in the corporate world but are toddlers while handling their wives or girlfriends. They score valedictorian GPAs in their alma maters but are babes when it comes to relating with their husbands or boyfriends.

• When a man goes to hang out with one of his “platonic” girl friends in her house all alone, the blind see a catching up session, the wise see a lack of emotional intelligence.
• When a lady opens up to her male colleague at work about the troubles in her marriage, the blind see a good friendship, but the wise see a lack of emotional intelligence.
• When a man is dating a girl but has a different girl as his BFF, the blind see a platonic relationship but the wise see a lack of emotional intelligence.
• When a girl is dating a guy but spends late nights chatting on Whatsapp with a different guy, the blind see an innocent conversation, the wise see a lack of emotional intelligence.

The dullness of our emotional intelligence is even more shocking when the above scenarios brew discord in our relationships and we lamely defend our tomfoolery with statements like:

• “We just had a drink!”
• “It’s not like we slept together!”
• “I told him I have a boyfriend but he wouldn’t listen.”
• “It’s not my fault that people flirt with me.”
• “She’s going through a rough patch; I was only being there for her.”
• “Are you jealous?”
• “There’s nothing going on!”
• “Can’t I have friends of the opposite sex?”

And when things get out of hand and boundaries are crossed and we hurt our partner, our mouths only show more dullness and little emotional intelligence.

• “He makes me feel alive.”
• “She listens to me; you don’t.”
• “He treats me better that my boyfriend does.”
• “She is the one meant for me.”

Anyone who falls in love with someone else while in a relationship is not a victim, but a perpetrator. Almost without exception, sexual affairs always start as emotional affairs. Emotional unfaithfulness is very hurtful and it can cause as much damage as a sexual affair if your partner finds out. If you are guilty, here are a few tips to help you better yourself for the future.

1. You need to take responsibility for the emotional affair

The most common excuse that shouts irresponsibility is this one: “I just don’t know how it happened!” If you are still self-deceived about this, allow me unmask you. Let rid of the myth that falling in love is an accident. Unfortunately that is tripe from Disney and Nollywood. And more unfortunate is that people believe it. You must understand that people don’t fall in love by accident. Falling in love is a result of expended time, conversations and emotions with someone. The chemistry between two people is never accidental. People fall in love by design not by default. The day you accepted to having lunch exclusively you designed it. The day you decided to walk her home every evening, you designed it. You must take responsibility. Someone may argue and say: Apama, I never intended for this to happen! Very true, But you must realize this: an unintentional commitment to things that do not matter is an intentional lack of commitment to things that matter. You have two options. You can make excuses or you can make progress but you cannot make both. The man and woman without emotional intelligence see these two scenarios and may say, “Okay, I admit responsibility; things got awkward and they shouldn’t have gone this far. But what is wrong with having lunch? What is wrong with walking home together?” In order to understand the deeper problem, you must grasp the anatomy of an emotional affair.

2. You need to understand the anatomy of an emotional affair

We have already stated that falling in love is a result of expended time, conversations and emotions with someone of the opposite sex. I am not saying to never talk or spend time with someone of the opposite sex. I know you are wiser than to think that. However, the key words are exclusive and consistent! This is the general anatomy. Exclusive and consistent energy spent with someone of the opposite sex will create a connection between the two of you. If this person is not someone you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with, you will break a heart- maybe even yours. Someone may ask: how do I do this yet I work with this person? I see them every day. I can’t avoid them! The answer, Beloved, is to create boundaries. You can’t stop birds from flying over you but you can stop them from creating a nest on your head. One boundary you should have is with regard to depth of conversations. 

Level one conversations start with bio-data- what your name is, where you live, where you went to school etc. This is basic information to which a stranger in the bus can be privy to. Anybody who knows this isn’t really special to you- they have simply interacted with you on base-level. They are simply on level one.

Level two conversations involve your personal testimonies. These are basic or general experiences you have been through that are not emotionally weighty. And even if they are emotionally weighty, they are shared in such a general way that does not lead to strong attachment to someone. You would not mind anyone hearing these stories. This could be your testimony of salvation, your experience in a new country, being bullied in high school etc

Level three conversations involve talking about your passions, preferences and convictions. These are the conversations that platonic friends hold. They demarcate who you are and what you stand for. They may clash with someone else’s and that is okay. You can have these kinds of conversations with people safely. And Beloved, this is where you draw the line.

Level four conversations are when you talk about your fears. This is the kind of conversation that occurs in hushed tones and you let a select few in on it. It could be the fear of getting married because you saw your parents fight a lot. It could be the fear of dying because your faith is shaky. It could be the fear of disappointing yourself after so many mistakes in life. Do not get to this level with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t your significant other. One reason emotional affairs ravage men and women is because people have exclusive and consistent conversation about their deep personal fears. When the other person empathises, you connect emotionally. When they reciprocate their fears too, you become more than friends. People who call themselves best-friends have these conversations freely. If you must have these conversations with a best friend. If not careful enough, an emotional entanglement will imminent. 

The fifth level of conversation (which is also the most intimate) is when you talk about your deepest hurts. If you get to this level comfortably with someone, you fall in love. This is emotional treasure, and it should be shared only with your significant other or trusted friend. An exclusive and consistent time talking about your deep personal hurts makes you extremely vulnerable to the other person. What often happens with a confession of deepest hurts is a craving for comfort. This comfort is often manifested in touch- a hug, a back rub, a side-hug, a hand clasp etc. It seems natural but it sets a precedence for more such conversations and eventually for unwanted inappropriateness. Deep hurts such as rape, defilement as a child, a cheating ex, death of a loved one, violence and torture, abuse that left you wounded etc are golden emotional deposits. You make them with the wrong person and you set yourself up for failure.

A second boundary you should have is that of spending exclusive and consistent time together. Exclusive and consistent time together creates familiarity. Our emotional dullness got stuck in class 5 and we have forgotten that our bodies, minds and souls have matured.

Exclusive and consistent time alone with someone that you will not spend the rest of your life with bespeaks a lack of emotional intelligence and sets a stage for emotional infidelity. Well, what if I have gone too far, have crossed boundaries and I want to stop, Apama? What do I do?

3. You need to cut the fuel of the emotional affair

You must look where you slipped, not where you fell. If you fell in love because of exclusive and consistent time and conversations, you need to establish it and out of character and respect for your relationship stop it. Stop the chatting. Stop the lunches. Stop the late hours together. These things seem harmless at the onset, but if you are in a relationship with someone already, you begin to disdain your partner and value the one you are having an emotional thrill with. The person you are wrongly emotionally connecting with may ask why you cut links. Don’t lie about it. Don’t say you got busy or you have to run home early. Let them know that you crossed boundaries with them that you ought to have observed. If you have a spouse or a significant other, let this person know that you do, and that whatever is going on is wrong for your relationship. You must be clear about the boundary. A boundary that is not verbally stated does not exist. State it clearly and respectfully. Now, when you cut the fuel of the emotional affair, you may be surprised that your feelings still linger. It’s normal. You have a heart not a computer chip for programming. In order to deal with this, to need to reconnect emotionally with your partner.

4. You need to reconnect emotionally with your spouse/significant other

In this period of emotional distance, your spouse/significant other has almost become a stranger. You must reconnect it even though your feelings do not say so. A relationship must be fought for, even when the enemy is yourself. One real test of maturity in a relationship is having the capacity to commit to the relationship when the feelings are absent. One real show of immaturity in a relationship is when people call it quits after the feelings die. Often, people don’t fall out of love, Beloved; they simply lacked emotional ethic and intelligence to know that love is a commitment and not a feeling. Commit to your husband. Stay with your boyfriend. Reconnect with your wife. If you are unmarried, you will need this ethic to keep your marriage. Your heart wants to leave your wife and follow the temporal thrill of this new flame. It is a false and fleeting high. Reconnect. To be practical, more dates, more sexual intimacy. Soon, you will lose the passion for the wrong one and gain a new flame for the right one. 

Let us be extra careful!

After A while

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong,
you really have worth.
And you learn,
and you learn,
With every goodbye, you learn.