Getting so angry with your significant other in arguments?

Why so mad over menial things? You can't seem to control yourself or what to say which escalates every argument further?

I can sympathize because this happens to me a lot. Often my reaction in an argument is to feel threatened and so I instinctively deploy my defense mechanisms which for me manifest in speaking loudly. I think I get caught up in having the mindset of 'well you've done this too me' etc. so it gets personal quickly, I don't think it helps that my girlfriend gets so defensive about the littlest things as well naturally.

I've never become violent. I've never caused physical harm towards the person I'm arguing with but regardless my defense mechanisms, the things my brain is doing in the background to try and protect itself, are scary and threatening to others. What's worse is when the other party calls me out on those behaviors, it makes me feel worse, makes me feel more threatened and I react the same way as if I was being pinned down, unable to move or backed into a corner.

As I'm sure you know, all of that stuff immediately clouds over the actual thing being argued about and now escalates based solely on defensive reactions.

Now from the calm of this discussion, it's easy to look at the other party and realize they are doing some form of the same thing. Something happens to make them feel threatened and they are putting their defenses up, maybe the same way you do, maybe a different way.

Now we need to consider the goal of the argument. When it starts you're trying to convince the other person to see things the way you do, or to be convinced to see things the way they see them. Things escalate when you believe the other party has misunderstood you, or misrepresented what you've said and particularly if you think they've done so unfairly. So it's natural to try and correct their misunderstanding but often this will lead the other person to feel the same way about how you're treating them.

When it escalates to shouting and aggressive behavior, the situation is being driven by wanting to defend yourself (and on an instinctual level hard for you to consciously counteract) and is no longer about trying to convince the other person of the original point.

So what does all this lead us to? How do you counteract this?

Early on in the conversation when the other person misunderstands you, or misrepresents you, even if they do so unfairly, allow it to pass (this is really hard to do). Allow them to continue unabated until they have finished making their point. (Essentially hold your tongue)

This does a few things.

1.     Is it demonstrates respect which aside from being the "proper" thing to do, it holds their defensive impulses at bay. While they are talking, their brain is noticing that you're listening and don't pose a threat so they are less likely to turn to their defensive behaviors.

2.    And I feel most important, it allows the other person to completely explain their point of view which often will address the things you thought they misunderstood earlier. It lets them "correct the record" if you will. Some many times, if you're able to hold your tongue when you first hear something that's "misunderstood" you'll find the other person later on will say something that reveals they actually do "get it".

3.     And also very important. It gives you time to reconsider the things you've heard, work out some details that weren't immediately obvious and perhaps realize you misjudged the other person when you thought they misunderstood you. A little bit of time and space between hearing something that feels threatening and going into defense mode goes a long way.

And hey I totally get it, even knowing all this, it's really hard to put it into practice because the reactions are almost subconscious. Recognize that it's your brain trying to protect you. It's not because you are evil, or bad, or broken, or shameful, it's because your protective system developed that way for whatever reason. And yes it will take hard work to fix it. Bit by bit, baby steps. Sometimes some basic "arguing rules" are helpful. On rule I find helpful is the 20 minute rule.

Twenty Minute Rule: At any point in a conversation/argument, either party is allowed to call for a 20 minute break with the understanding that after 20 minutes both parties agree to come back together to resume the conversation/argument.

This will allow you to cool down, process and refocus on the real goal of the conversation. But the most important part of this rule is allowing the other person to get their 20 minutes. There will be many times when you're in the middle of making your point and the other person wants to walk away. That can feel terrible, like you're not getting your fair shot to make your case and right the wrongs and misconceptions, but you know they're coming back in 20 minutes at which time you can try and make your case again. You'll find lots of things get fixed all on their own in those 20 minutes.

There are many ways to go about this as each relationship is unique. Anybody in a successful relationship will tell you that it's a vital skill to be able to put an argument on hold for a moment or longer and still be around each other. Remember that you are two different people and need to find those differences and figure out how they can fit together. It's okay to have them, and it’s okay to fight.

You have to be willing to be wrong. Nobody wants to be wrong. Most people don't argue a point they think is wrong (unless they're playing devil's advocate, which has a place but is another issue). And in some cases, nobody is wrong.

If you are so invested in every position you argue that you can't imagine any other solution being correct, then you are going to take the argument personally. Every point against your argument will come across as an attack against you.

Losing a normal argument shouldn't leave you bitter. You should be left pondering the new information you've gained and deciding how to apply it in the future.

Other than that, just make sure you're actually listening to what he/she says. Too often, people are more worried about their next point than they are what the other person is saying. You should acknowledge and build off each other’s points, otherwise it turns into a game of "I'm right, no I'm right".

I'm not an expert but changing how you think about your relationship might help. Don't see it as "me vs her/him" but "us vs the problem". When you're in a relationship, you're a team. If something is bugging you or your partner, you can't be the most effective team, can you? So know what's important to you, what you're willing to make compromises on, what you're not, and be able to understand when you and your teammate need to call it quits if you can't work it out (last resort, obviously).

Thanks for hanging in there on this long post. I hope you get as much out of it as I did by writing it.