Let's review consent, and teach it to our kids.

It's important to understand sexual consent because sexual activity without consent is sexual assault. Before you flip out about how "everyone knows what consent is," that is absolutely not correct! Some (in fact, many) people are legit confused about what constitutes consent, such as this teenager who admitted he would ass-rape a girl because he learned from porn that girls like anal sex (overwhelmingly not true, in addition to being irrelevant), or this ostensibly well-meaning college kid who put his friend at STI risk after assuming she was just vying for a relationship when she said no, or this guy from the "ask a rapist thread" who couldn't understand why a sex-positive girl would not have sex with him, or this guy who seemed to think that because a woman was a submissive that meant he could dominate her, or this 'comedian' who haplessly made a public rape confession in the form of a comedy monologue. In fact, researchers have found that in acquaintance rape--one of the most common types of rape--perpetrators tend to see their behavior as seduction, not rape, or they somehow believe the rape justified.

Yet sexual assault is a tractable problem. Offenders often rationalize their behavior by whether society will let them get away with it, and the more the rest us confidently understand consent the better advocates we can be for what's right. And yes, a little knowledge can actually reduce the incidence of sexual violence.

So, without further ado, the following are common misconceptions about sexual consent:

• An overwhelming majority of people require explicit (i.e. unambiguous) consent for any sexual activity beyond kissing in a new relationship. However, even an unwanted kiss can be fatal if the person being advanced upon feels unsafe due to a large discrepancy in size/strength.
• "Token resistance" to sex is virtually nonexistent, particularly for first encounters. The overwhelming majority of men and women who say no to sexual advances really do mean no. It's never reasonable to assume that when someone says no, they don't really mean it (unless you have previously mutually agreed to role-play and have decided on an alternative safe word, in which case it's not an assumption) even if the person has sent extremely "mixed signals," or even engaged in some sexual contact (as many sexual offenses often entail).
• As in other social interactions, sexual rejections typically are communicated with softened language ("Next time," "Let's just chill," "I really like you, but...") and often don't even include the word "no." These rejections are still rejections, and any subsequent sexual activity is still sexual assault. Both men and women are capable of understanding these types of refusals, and to pretend otherwise is disengenuous. Perpetrators often misrepresent their own actions to garnish support, avoid responsibility, blame the victim, and conceal their activities, and re-labeling sexual assault or rape as a "miscommunication" accomplishes those goals. It may not be a good idea to recommend to someone that they try to communicate more forcefully, because like domestic abusers, rapists often feel provoked by blows to their self-esteem, so encouraging someone to communicate in ways that are considered rude could actually lead them to danger. Sex offenders are more likely to be physically violent, and 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men has experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner, so it is far from outrageous to take precautions against physical violence by being polite.
• Most young women expect words to be involved when their partner seeks their consent. 43% of young men actually ask for verbal confirmation of consent. Overall, verbal indicators of consent or nonconsent are more common than nonverbal indicators. More open communication also increases the likelihood of orgasm for women.
• Consent is not synonymous with arousal. For one, there are common misconceptions that an erect penis or erect nipples necessarily signify sexual arousal. It's also possible for someone to be aroused and still not want to have sex. Women often have a physiological sexual response to sexual stimuli that is independent of desire, and that may serve a protective effect against injury from unwanted sex. Misperception of sexual interest may increase risk of sexually coercive or aggressive behavior, and studies consistently show men perceive women's actions to be more sexual than the woman intends (93% have misperceived sexual interest on at least one occassion, though most correct their understanding before engaging in nonconsensual sexual contact). Men who date women are less likely to accurately label sexual assault when the victim's interest is even a little ambiguous. If the victim has an orgasm, that does not retroactively mean the sex was agreed to. Relatedly, one of the most common reasons women fake orgasms is to end unwanted sexual encounters. Sex with an aroused person who hasn't consented is still sexual assault.
• Consenting to engage in some sexual activity does not imply consent for further sexual activity. The kinds of sexual behaviors one finds appealing is highly individualistic. The law is clear that one may consent to one form of sexual contact without providing blanket future consent to all sexual contact, yet most sexual assaults happen during a hookup when a man forces a higher level of sexual intimacy than the woman consented to. Most women do not achieve orgasm during one-night stands, and are less likely to want to engage in intercourse as part of a hookup.
• Physical resistance is not required on the part of the victim to demonstrate lack of consent, nor does the law require evidence of injury in order for consent to be deemed absent. Women who try to physically resist rapes are more likely to end up physically injured, while those who try to argue or reason with the offender are less likely to be injured. The increased probability of injury may be small, but the consequences serious.
• Consent can be legally communicated verbally or nonverbally, and must be specific to engage in the sexual activity in question. Behaviors which don't meet the bar for communicating explicit consent for a particular sexual behavior (like accepting an alcoholic beverage, going to a date's room, kissing, or getting undressed) are at best indicators of likelihood for future consent.
• Nonconsent can legally be communicated verbally or by pulling away or other nonverbal conduct.
• Submitting to sex is not legally the same as consenting to sex. Some sex offenders kill their victims to avoid getting caught; victims often become compliant during an assault as a protective measure.
• It's possible for someone to be too intoxicated to give valid consent. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol is not an aphrodisiac. (in fact, sober sex tends to be more wanted and enjoyable). Most college sexual assaults occur when the victim is incapacitated due to intoxication or sleep. Deliberately getting a victim too drunk to resist is a tactic used by some perpetrators to commit sexual assault or rape. If someone is blackout drunk, it's a good idea to assume they cannot consent to sex. Here are some easy ways to tell if a person is blackout drunk.
• Intoxication is not a legally defensible excuse for failure to get consent. Heavy alcohol consumption increases the risk of sexual offending in certain high-risk men. Intoxicated men who are attracted to a woman are particularly likely to focus their attention on signs of sexual interest and miss or discount signs of disinterest. Intoxicated predators will also often pick out victims they know to be impaired by drugs or (usually) alcohol and make them have sex even when they know them to be unwilling. If intoxication were a legally defensible excuse, rapists would just have to drink heavily (or claim they were drinking heavily) to get away with rape.
• Wearing someone down by repeatedly asking for sex until they "consent" to sex is a form of coercion. Some forms of coercion are also illegal in some jurisdictions. Genuine consent must be freely given, or a human rights violation has occurred.
• Silence is not consent. Fighting, fleeing, and freezing are common fear responses, and thus not signs of consent. In fact, most rape victims freeze in fear in response to unwanted sexual contact, even though most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.
• It is necessary to obtain consent from men, too, as men are not in a constant state of agreement to sex.
• Consent must happen before sexual contact is made, or a violation has already occurred. Legally, sexual contact that takes a person by surprise deprives them of the opportunity to communicate nonconsent. There is often a long period of uncertainty described in victim's rape accounts where she felt shocked by the rapist’s behavior and unsure of what was transpiring. In fact, most unwanted fondling, and many rapes, occur because the victim didn't have time to stop it before it happened. Most victims also become compliant during an assault, which is a protective behavior that does not signify consent.
• Consent is ethically and legally required before removing a condom. STIs are on the rise, many people are unaware they have an STI they can transmit to a partner, there is an antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea on the rise that could literally be fatal, there is no reliable HPV test for men, and herpes might cause Alzheimer's. It's simply intolerable in a civilized society to knowingly expose someone to those risks without their knowledge or consent.
• The NISVS includes using lies or false promises to obtain sex in their definition of sexual coercion. For example, pretending to be someone's S.O., pretending to be a celebrity, lying about relationship status or relationship potential are all forms of sexual coercion that cross the line.
• Marriage is not an automatic form of consent. While couples who have been together for awhile often develop their own idiosyncratic ways of communicating consent, laws of consent are just as applicable within a marriage. Marital rape is one of the more common forms of sexual assault, and may more often be about maintaining power and control in a relationship, rather than sexual gratification like other forms of acquaintance rape. The physical and psychological harm from marital rape may be even worse than stranger rape, for a variety of reasons.
• Consent is at least as important (and just as required) in BDSM relationships. It's true that sexual fantasies involving dominance and/or submissions are somewhat common; however, even 'rape fantasies' (which would more accurately be called "ravishment play," snce no one actually wants to get raped) must be carried out within the context of mutually agreed-upon terms. It's never reasonable to assume that a particular person A) wants to be dominated B) by a particular person C) at a particular time. Sexually dominating a kinky person who hasn't consented is still sexual assault.
• Affirmative consent is generally required on college campuses, (and a growing number of legal jurisdictions). For examples, have a look at Yale's sexual misconduct examples, Purdue's consent policy, Illinois', Michigan's, Harvard's, Stanford's, Wisconsin's, Minnesota's, Wyoming's, Indiana's, or Arkansas' university policies on sexual consent (or California's, Canada's, Spain's, Sweden's, etc.). A requirement for affirmative permission reflects the contract-like nature of the sexual agreement; the partners must actively negotiate to change the conditions of a joint enterprise, rather than proceed unilaterally until they meet resistance. Logically, it makes much more sense for a person who wishes to initiate sexual activity to get explicit permission for the particular sexual activity they would like to engage in, rather than the receiving party having to preemptively say "no" to the endless list of possible sexual acts.