I’m not a stalker

Pick someone interesting.
Have a conversation with them.
Start off the dialogue by assuring the subject
that you are not a stalker.

Do so by saying something like,
“I’m not a stalker.”
“I’m not really a stalker.”
“Do you think I’m a stalker?”
Or
“Does this make me sound like a stalker?”
Because whenever you mention the word “stalker”
it automatically makes you look like a stalker.
Got it?
Let’s move on.

Follow them on twitter,
re-tweet everything they say.
Add them on Facebook,
like all of their pictures,
statuses,
and poke them.

Constantly.

Get their phone number.
Preferably not from them.
Send them pictures.
Of you. 
In a wedding dress.
Let the caption read,
“Hey babe, thinking about you.”

Call four times. 
A day.
Leave three voicemails. 
A day.
Make sure the third one is passive aggressive.
Sound irritated,
like all of this is an inconvenience to you.
Try to make the subject feel as guilty as possible.

If that doesn’t work,
get angry, cuss them out.
Then call back,
apologize for overreacting.
If the subject still doesn’t respond
to a call from a blocked number,
if they don’t pick up,
leave another voicemail,
cuss them out again.

That’ll show them.