Let us now hear the story of Jacob.

 

Jacob lived in the desert with his family and some sheep and possibly some other families, but they aren't really necessary, because he's about to marry his own cousin(s) anyway. It all starts when he runs off to his auntie and uncles for a bit because his brother Esau is WELL pissed off over Jacob using Old Timey Tricks to steal his inheritance from their dying dad. We're still rooting for Jacob here in this story though, because Esau was hairy and uncouth and did we mention incredibly hairy? It's very important and repeated that he's super hairy.

Anyway so Jacob hits it off with his hot cousin Rachel, and her dad's like "look mate, you come here, running away from your hairy brother, and I get that you're, like, not hairy, which is a plus, but don't think that means you've done enough to earn my daughters hand in marriage." So he works away on his uncle’s rock farm (?) / waxing salon (?) for seven entire years and finally his uncle lets him marry his hot cousin. Of course this is, as we would have said in 2016, a complete bamboozle 'cos it’s his ugly (and, I can only assume, copiously hairy) Cousin Leah under there instead. "Look I got to get rid of her somehow," says his uncle, "no takesy backsies." And because it's Old Timey Tricks (they were a big fan of no-takesy-backsy holy rituals in those days let me tell you) he's stuck with the wrong bride. Nobody, of course, stops to ask Leah and Rachel if they had any thoughts on the matter, because this is a property transaction.

Leah has a lovely personality and nice eyes, but he is totally unappreciative of this and still wants to shag his hot cousin Rachel. So he works away for another seven years and marries her next, which really brings a whole new perspective to a) how annoyed I get when I have to mow the lawn for seven minutes, b) religious conservatives not wanting me to marry my female woman girlfriend (there’s only one of her, and she's not related to me, so I get how it's a problem for them), c) how important it is to be able to recognize your intended wife even when she's wearing a big old lacey tea cosy on her head.

(In the end, our smooth boy Jake has kids with both of them. Their hairiness is not elaborated on, but due to the continuation of a long line of astonishingly bad parenting they all get embroiled in a big fight over a fancy fucking jacket and nearly kill each other.)

Tradition holds that these absolute meatballs are my ancient ancestors, which probably explains a lot about me as an attempted person.