Compassion fatigue is a condition characterized by emotional and
physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of
caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress (STS).
I am 41M and have been with my 39F girlfriend
"Meredith" for 7 years. She's amazing in many ways, and is the love
of my life. I could easily see us in our 80's, sitting on a porch holding hands
in rocking chairs. I love her sooo much. She's a really, really good person.
Unfortunately, our life together isn't as stable as I'd like,
Meredith has loads of anxiety, and there are very few occasions when she seems
calm and content in life. Every time that things seem to settle down for a
moment, some new personal crisis pops up and gets her spun up. It's a steady
stream of them - it's like she's not happy unless she's completely freaking out
about something. She is vibrating with tension at all times, and careens from
crisis to crisis to crisis.
The crises I'm talking about are typical life stuff - work
stress, office politics, bills, house repairs, family drama. Some of them are
legitimately big deals, but others are just normal life ups and downs. She
seems overwhelmed and beaten down by them.
Meredith leans on me pretty hard for emotional support. She is
constantly saying "I've had a really rough day, please be patient with me
tonight." She often wants to modify our date plans because she's too
frazzled to go out. Instead, we'll spend the evening at home, where I nurse her
back to a state of calm with footrubs and Netflix. About once a week, when she
is sufficiently calmed down we do make some quality sexytime, but most of the
time she is too stressed out to have a libido.
Over the years I have done everything I can to be patient and
supportive. I've basically become like a caretaker who helps to de-stress her
every day. Meredith has a bad day, I soothe her and make everything OK. Some of
her anxiety then rubs off onto me. Rinse, lather, repeat the next day. It's always
been like this.
In the process, I've repeatedly set my own emotional needs
aside. There are times when I have had a really rough day at work and
could use some nurturing, but that isn't something that fits into our
relationship dynamic. There are times I just want to sit down for dinner with a
partner and hear about their good day. I just want a normal life, and to have
my own needs met sometimes. I think I have what is called caregiver fatigue or
compassion fatigue. I am just emotionally worn out and tired of setting aside
my needs for hers.
I know that some of you will suggest counseling. She has been in
therapy for a few years now and is making some noticeable progress, but still
has a way to go.
But here are some things I have
learned over the years.
1. Ask the
person what they need. Oftentimes when a person we care about is struggling we
want to jump in and fix everything. That’s not always what the person needs.
Maybe they just need to vent to someone without judgement. They might not want
advice, because they know what they should be doing, but their condition is
making that hard. Maybe they don’t want to talk at all and just need a hug or a
shoulder rub (if you both are comfortable with physical contact). Or maybe they
just want to sit with you and watch a movie, or go for a walk, and take their
mind off of it. Giving advice that is never taken is draining and frustrating -
but you can help them without doing that.
2. Tell them
what you need. Just because you don’t have the same mental struggles doesn’t
mean you can’t also have needs. Let’s say they came to you asking to vent, but
you had a long day and are tired physically and emotionally. Tell them “I am
not in a place to be able to carry that right now.” This is when you could
offer to do something else for them, or tell them when you feel you’ll be
better able to help. You could also tell them a time limit if you have some
energy to give. Like “I would love to let you vent, but I need to set a limit
of 15 minutes today. After that let’s agree to change the subject, or do
another activity that we can both use to unwind.” This gives your person a
clear view of your boundary and lets them still get support from you.
3. It’s okay
to have lines that can’t be crossed. Adding to the boundaries I brought up in
point 2, it’s perfectly okay to have limits on where your support ends. There
may be topics that are triggering or uncomfortable for you and you are allowed
to say talking about those is off-limits. You can also change those limits
depending on what’s happening in your own life. Maybe they have a bad
relationship with a parent, while your beloved parent is unwell. It’s not going
to feel good for you to hear them talk about how horrible their mother is when
you want nothing more than for your mom to get better. That would be an
appropriate time to tell them this is a boundary and if they need support in
this then they need to seek it elsewhere. You can still be there for them, but
find a way around this particular issue. Your limits can also be time-based
rather than topic-based. You can tell them they can’t contact you while you are
at work, or before/after x time. Or that you can only hang out on x days.
4. Communication.
This is the most important. Just be honest with them. They don’t want you to
burn out. They don’t want to drag you down with them. But one of the symptoms
of these problems can be pushing people away and isolating yourself. That means
that they only have a limited number of supports in their life and it can put a
lot of pressure on the supports they do have. It’s up to you to be very clear
about how you’re feeling and what you need so they don’t push you away too. If
you do all of the above from a loving place they will be happy to know they
aren’t putting too much on you. Being clear about this will ultimately be
helpful to you both.
5. They need
to respect you. If they don’t listen to your boundaries it’s okay to cut them
off. If you have to go that route, it would be kind to let them know why. But
you always need to put your own health first. You deserve to have friends that
you enjoy being around. You deserve to be happy. You don’t need to be anyone’s
emotional doormat.
Remember, you can only do what
you can do. We have a finite reserve of sympathy and compassion. It can and
does get used up. If this happens, it needs to replenish itself. It can only do
that if you are able to back off of the situation or relationship and take the
time to do that. Even if you end the relationship and never see this person or
these people again, you still need to do it. Have some compassion for yourself,
too. Compassion fatigue can have serious ramifications on mental and emotional
health if it is not addressed. Worse, it can eventually rob people of healthy
compassion for others and that is something we definitely need more of in this
world.
This isn’t a step-by-step list,
and all the points won’t work in all situations or for all people. I can tell
it definitely resonates for a lot of people though, so I hope you will be able
to use it to better navigate your own relationships.
Best wishes to you all!
No comments:
Post a Comment