Research shows that having ambivalent friendships in your
life—relationships where interactions are sometimes supportive and positive and
sometimes hostile or negative—can actually cause more stress than relationships
that are consistently negative.1
This is, in part, because
you never quite relax when you are around these people, but you don't keep your
guard entirely up either, so you are more vulnerable when there is conflict. It
is similar to chronic stress, where your
body never fully recovers from the stress you experience before becoming
triggered by the next stressor you face in life. Ultimately, it takes quite a
toll.
Your relationship conflicts truly take a toll on your
physical health and affect your emotional well-being as well. This can be tough
psychologically. It can leave you feeling frazzled, overwhelmed, and less
confident in handling other stress you face in life.
It is in your best interest to
reevaluate your relationships, identify the taxing ones, and minimize or even
eliminate these negative relationships in your life. The following plan can
help you to minimize the stress of
ambivalent relationships when you need to.
·
Your Social
Circle Relationships.
Make a list of friendships in your
life. Include everyone you think of when you think of your ‘friends’, including
those you only see on social media, those you see regularly, and everyone in
between. Also include romantic partners, if they're in your life now or may
come back into your life at some point.
·
Questions
To Ask When Assessing A Relationship
Circle the names of people who you
know are positive: those who support you when you’re down and genuinely share
your joy when good things happen to you. As for the others, evaluate the
relationship honestly to see if it’s a benefit or a detriment to you.
Questions
to Ask:
I.
Is this relationship worth the
amount of work required to maintain it?
II.
Is this a person I would choose
to have in my life if we just met today? Or have I been holding onto this
relationship out of habit?
III.
Does this person make me feel
good about myself? Am I uncomfortable around them?
IV.
Is this friend competitive with
me in a negative way?
V.
Do I like who I am when I’m with
them? Or do we seem to bring out the worst in each other?
VI.
How deeply can I trust this
person? Could I count on them if I needed to? Could I share my feelings freely?
VII.
Do we have common interests and
values? If not, do I benefit from the differences?
VIII.
Am I receiving as much as I
give?
IX.
If I gave this relationship the
effort it deserves, would it benefit me and enrich my life?
After answering some of these
questions, you should have a clearer picture of whether this relationship is
positive or negative for you. Circle the person’s name if you believe that the
relationship is positive and supportive, or if it could be, given an
appropriate amount of time and energy. Otherwise, cross off the name.
·
Moving
Forward
Now put more of a focus on the
relationships you have with the people whose names are circled.
As for the names that are crossed
off, you can decide whether you want to keep sending them holiday cards and
maintain a friendly rapport when you see them by chance, or if you want to make
a clean break. But don’t allow
them to continue to add stress and negativity to your life.
Reserve your energy for your true friends.
If some of the names you encounter
are those of family members, co-workers, or people who are for some other
reason difficult to eliminate or even avoid, this article on dealing with
difficult people can help you to deal with them in a way that
will reduce the stress they can bring into your life.
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