Nun Jokes

 

Three nuns die and are met by an angel at the gates of heaven. The angel, standing behind a big bowl of holy water, tells them "if you have sinned, confess."

The first nun says, "I touched a penis with my right hand."

The angel answers "Dip your hand in the water, and go on in."

The nun does as told and passes through the gates to her afterlife.

As the second nun opens her mouth to speak, the third nun interferes:

"Can i just gargle some water before this bitch dips her ass in?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the gate, peter is waiting for them and tells them "you have to answer a question to get into heaven."

Peter asks the first nun "Who turned water into wine?"

The first nun responds, "Jesus did!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the first nun entered heaven.

Peter then asks the second nun "Who was in a whale’s mouth for disobeying?"

The second nun responds "Jonah!" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the second nun entered heaven.

Peter finally asks the last nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

The final nun while thinking about the unfair question says "oh that’s a hard one" And bells chimed, angels sang, the gates opened and the final nun entered heaven.

Someone saw an opportunity...

 

Relief

 

Angel lust poking through the dirt.

 

So, what’s your plan for seducing Bill Gates?

I got an email in suspiciously broken English from Bill Gates a couple of weeks back saying he wanted to give me 50,000,000 USD so I don't need to bother seducing him.

Hopefully the £20,000 I sent him for clearance of the funds will have gone through by now so I should be getting my money any day now.

 

Okay, now to serious business, It has to be natural, I don't think Bill would take kindly to all the gold-diggers plotting to seduce him as we speak in dark corners of the internet.

I want to captivate him, and make myself accessible at the same time. Get him to make the first move.

I'll research his interests, and write multiple NYT bestsellers books in those categories. Then, I'll hold a number of book signings suspiciously overlapping with Bill's travel itinerary until we finally meet for the first time, and we exchange numbers.

I'll frequent his haunts, and flash a smile at him every time. Soon we're talking daily like old friends. About our projects, about our vision for the world, about our loneliness and desires. Something resonates with him, and I feel his heart beat faster whenever we're together. We play tennis, we travel, we work together. I help out at his foundation, Melinda keeps giving me the stink eye. Everyone can see it but Bill himself.

Then, one day he sees Bezos chatting me up and a deep burning rage bellows up inside him and it finally clicks. He likes me. He's jealous.

We're together for barely a month before I move in. I satisfy him like Melinda never did. A year goes by before he proposes to me, but I stop him and say, "only with a prenup".

And that's when he knows it's true love. I set out to seduce him, but somewhere along the line he seduced me back. We fuck like rabbits till sunrise.

Something is missing, we can't have children together, but nothing's ever stopped Bill before. He funds 150 startups with promising biotechnology to allow two men to conceive a biological child. It's silly. Inane. Will there even be enough market demand to recoup all the research investment? It doesn't matter. He's doing this for us.

A short 3 years later, one of the experimental genetic techniques yields an embryo with a perfect mix of our DNA. It's a boy. The gays are jealous and demand access but it's a good 10 years before FDA approval for the public.

We spend a glorious 20 years together before Bill passes. So short, yet it felt like several lifetimes. Still, the grief is too much and I die of grief still holding his hand an hour later.

When I wake up, my memories come flooding back as I exit the simulation. My mind is a jumbled mess and my heart pounds in confusion, but I rip open my pod and find Bill there waiting. We cry into each other's arms and hold each other tight. Somehow, in that vast virtual world, we had found each other.

The media gets ahold of the preposterous story and calls it a hoax, a setup, a fraud. Among billions of people, we found each other and overcame all odds? Overcoming differences in age, class, sexuality... no one believes it except us.

We'll always find a way.

We're soulmates.