A not so crappy day at the office

Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Languages

There are five ways to “speak” and understand emotional love. But many couples don’t know about love languages and are often surprised when they learn about them.

Those five love languages as:

1.    Words of Affirmation - saying I love you, complimenting or praising your partner

2.    Quality Time -  time spent together, even if you're doing nothing

3.    Receiving Gifts - tokens of appreciation and affection

4.    Acts of Service - doing something for the other person

5.    Physical Touch - hand holding, kissing, sex

As a child, you probably learned to receive and give love in specific ways. Perhaps your parents regularly hugged you and told you how much they love you (Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation). Or, instead, they showed their love by always driving you to and from basketball games and cheering you on (Acts of Service, Quality Time), even if they weren’t the hugging types.

Simply put, that’s how your parents expressed their love for you, and you may have adopted those love languages as your own.

But, later in life, you began a relationship and perhaps got married, and eventually the message you are trying to express to your partner is not received or acknowledged as an expression of love, even if that is your intent.

The reason for that disconnect is that both of you probably show and express love in different ways, or have different love languages. You might question the depth and strength of your love, or you may feel uncared for, which can cause tension. Unfortunately, this can lead to emotional and physical disconnection between you both.

But the best way to find and examine your love languages is to look closely at how you express your love to each other.

It’s essentially how you prefer to receive love, which highly influences how you give love, too. When you and your partner speak different love languages it can literally be as much of a block as speaking a different language and can definitely (but not always) lead to a breakup.

Picture this: I only speak English and my partner only speaks Spanish. We don’t understand each other’s words but we can understand each other in other ways. Sounds crazy that we'd be able to love each other, right? Well, we do. A lot. Only, I hate the way Spanish sounds and he can’t stand English. So instead, I start speaking to him in Chinese and he starts speaking to me in French. Doesn’t make any sense, right? We may be able to pick out bits and pieces, but we won’t fully understand it. If I’m not willing to learn Spanish and he’s not willing to learn English, it’s just not going work. We will never be able to communicate our love for each other.

There is hope, though. You absolutely can learn to speak another love language, but they must learn to speak yours as well.

So what do you do when you and your partner are speaking different love languages? Communication is the key -- here's what I've learned about communicating with your partner:

1) Figure out which language you speak and which language your partner speaks.

2) Start showing your partner love in a way they understand.

3) Communicate your needs to your partner -- as much as we think our partner should know us well enough to figure out what we want, they don't. Your partner is not a mind reader -- trust me on this one. You have to be specific about what you need to feel loved. But do so without denigrating your partner's love language or making him or her feel bad. So instead of saying, "You don't love me the way I want to be loved!" you could say something like, "I love that you are so expressive with your love for me. I like to show my love for you by doing little things for you, like making you your favorite dinner. (Fill in the blank with how you show love -- again your partner is not a mind reader. Walk them over the bridge here.) What I really would like more of is to just spend time with you -- not doing anything in particular, just enjoying each other's company. (Again fill in the blank with what you need.) Do you think we might be able to spend an evening together this coming week because I that would really make me feel loved?"

4) Rinse and repeat -- I wish I could wave my magic wand and fix all of your relationship communication problems overnight, but this takes practice. When you find yourself wishing your partner had done or said something different, redo this exercise. He or she was likely operating out of their love language and forgot that you don't speak the same language they do all the time. Truth be told, if that's the case, you might want to examine your own behaviors as well. Have you been communicating with them in their love language lately or have you fallen back into your own?

When I saw her

The first time I saw her, everything in my head went quiet.
All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
When you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, you don't really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I'm thinking...
"Did I lock the doors? Yes."
"Did I wash my hands? Yes"
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips,
or the eyelash on her cheek,
the eyelash on her cheek,
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.

My Chaos

I am trying to sleep on the front porch of forgiveness.
I am too young to be this lonely.
I didn't leave the door of my love unlocked
so you could mistake my sadness for a shelf.
Still, do not mistake all of my honest open for empty.
I do not have room to carry anyone's chaos but mine.
If I sink, it will be in my own ocean; If I float, it will be on the ship I built myself.

I'm in love with reciprocity.

You know nothing of love until you watch someone go hungry for you.
Even then, what do you know of hunger?
I am a good person, I think,
though I need the flesh of another to make it through the long, endless day.
I don't believe being a vegetarian is any better.
I slice the meat of an onion, and I'm overcome by the life it spills.
An onion makes us weep because it loves us,
though that, too, is a defense mechanism.
I think beauty is when a person is so afraid of losing something, they cry.
I'm in love with reciprocity.
I eat, you eat.
I starve, you starve.
I hunt, we live.
Home is where I only fear what will break through the walls.
For instance, my father hit my mother, and now the door is locked.
People cry when they see how meat is made, until they want to eat.

Getting so angry with your significant other in arguments?

Why so mad over menial things? You can't seem to control yourself or what to say which escalates every argument further?

I can sympathize because this happens to me a lot. Often my reaction in an argument is to feel threatened and so I instinctively deploy my defense mechanisms which for me manifest in speaking loudly. I think I get caught up in having the mindset of 'well you've done this too me' etc. so it gets personal quickly, I don't think it helps that my girlfriend gets so defensive about the littlest things as well naturally.

I've never become violent. I've never caused physical harm towards the person I'm arguing with but regardless my defense mechanisms, the things my brain is doing in the background to try and protect itself, are scary and threatening to others. What's worse is when the other party calls me out on those behaviors, it makes me feel worse, makes me feel more threatened and I react the same way as if I was being pinned down, unable to move or backed into a corner.

As I'm sure you know, all of that stuff immediately clouds over the actual thing being argued about and now escalates based solely on defensive reactions.

Now from the calm of this discussion, it's easy to look at the other party and realize they are doing some form of the same thing. Something happens to make them feel threatened and they are putting their defenses up, maybe the same way you do, maybe a different way.

Now we need to consider the goal of the argument. When it starts you're trying to convince the other person to see things the way you do, or to be convinced to see things the way they see them. Things escalate when you believe the other party has misunderstood you, or misrepresented what you've said and particularly if you think they've done so unfairly. So it's natural to try and correct their misunderstanding but often this will lead the other person to feel the same way about how you're treating them.

When it escalates to shouting and aggressive behavior, the situation is being driven by wanting to defend yourself (and on an instinctual level hard for you to consciously counteract) and is no longer about trying to convince the other person of the original point.

So what does all this lead us to? How do you counteract this?

Early on in the conversation when the other person misunderstands you, or misrepresents you, even if they do so unfairly, allow it to pass (this is really hard to do). Allow them to continue unabated until they have finished making their point. (Essentially hold your tongue)

This does a few things.

1.     Is it demonstrates respect which aside from being the "proper" thing to do, it holds their defensive impulses at bay. While they are talking, their brain is noticing that you're listening and don't pose a threat so they are less likely to turn to their defensive behaviors.

2.    And I feel most important, it allows the other person to completely explain their point of view which often will address the things you thought they misunderstood earlier. It lets them "correct the record" if you will. Some many times, if you're able to hold your tongue when you first hear something that's "misunderstood" you'll find the other person later on will say something that reveals they actually do "get it".

3.     And also very important. It gives you time to reconsider the things you've heard, work out some details that weren't immediately obvious and perhaps realize you misjudged the other person when you thought they misunderstood you. A little bit of time and space between hearing something that feels threatening and going into defense mode goes a long way.

And hey I totally get it, even knowing all this, it's really hard to put it into practice because the reactions are almost subconscious. Recognize that it's your brain trying to protect you. It's not because you are evil, or bad, or broken, or shameful, it's because your protective system developed that way for whatever reason. And yes it will take hard work to fix it. Bit by bit, baby steps. Sometimes some basic "arguing rules" are helpful. On rule I find helpful is the 20 minute rule.

Twenty Minute Rule: At any point in a conversation/argument, either party is allowed to call for a 20 minute break with the understanding that after 20 minutes both parties agree to come back together to resume the conversation/argument.

This will allow you to cool down, process and refocus on the real goal of the conversation. But the most important part of this rule is allowing the other person to get their 20 minutes. There will be many times when you're in the middle of making your point and the other person wants to walk away. That can feel terrible, like you're not getting your fair shot to make your case and right the wrongs and misconceptions, but you know they're coming back in 20 minutes at which time you can try and make your case again. You'll find lots of things get fixed all on their own in those 20 minutes.

There are many ways to go about this as each relationship is unique. Anybody in a successful relationship will tell you that it's a vital skill to be able to put an argument on hold for a moment or longer and still be around each other. Remember that you are two different people and need to find those differences and figure out how they can fit together. It's okay to have them, and it’s okay to fight.

You have to be willing to be wrong. Nobody wants to be wrong. Most people don't argue a point they think is wrong (unless they're playing devil's advocate, which has a place but is another issue). And in some cases, nobody is wrong.

If you are so invested in every position you argue that you can't imagine any other solution being correct, then you are going to take the argument personally. Every point against your argument will come across as an attack against you.

Losing a normal argument shouldn't leave you bitter. You should be left pondering the new information you've gained and deciding how to apply it in the future.

Other than that, just make sure you're actually listening to what he/she says. Too often, people are more worried about their next point than they are what the other person is saying. You should acknowledge and build off each other’s points, otherwise it turns into a game of "I'm right, no I'm right".

I'm not an expert but changing how you think about your relationship might help. Don't see it as "me vs her/him" but "us vs the problem". When you're in a relationship, you're a team. If something is bugging you or your partner, you can't be the most effective team, can you? So know what's important to you, what you're willing to make compromises on, what you're not, and be able to understand when you and your teammate need to call it quits if you can't work it out (last resort, obviously).

Thanks for hanging in there on this long post. I hope you get as much out of it as I did by writing it.

Happy New Year

If it didn't bring you joy
leave it behind
Let's ring in the new year
with good things in mind

Let every bad memory
that brought heartache and pain
And let's turn a new leaf
with the smell of new rain

Let's forget past mistakes
making amends for this year
Sending you these greetings
to bring you hope and cheer

Happy New Year!