First of all, communicating with your significant other is
an intimate experience. Developing emotional intimacy can happen a lot like
physical intimacy. Imagine that instead of taking articles of clothing off one
by one and watching your partner's eyes light up with anticipation and delight,
you are slowly revealing more of your inner self, piece by piece. The most
widely accepted model to explain the development of emotional intimacy (the
process model) was devised by Reis and Clark (citation escapes me). Emotional
intimacy develops when:
Person X reveals self-relevant information (dreams, fears,
memories, feelings, desires, etc.) to person Y.
This information passes through the interpretive filters
that Person Y has developed over a lifetime of experiences (depending on the
nature of the information--one's relationship concerns, for example---the
filters can be more or less specific, defined and intense).
Person Y validates what Person X has expressed (by saying
things like "I hear you" or "I bet that really weighs on
you" or "That's totally something you can achieve").
Person X hears this validation through interpretive filters.
Something that sounds validating to you (e.g., "I get it") might
sound very different (e.g., "You can stop talking because I already know
what you have to say") to this other person who has a totally unique set
of experiences. This can make things super screwy.
So that's the basic idea of how intimacy develops. When we
communicate with others we seek to be understood. We want others to know us,
even when we lie (perhaps especially when we lie). What is perhaps the most
important part of that process model is the idea that everything we communicate
goes through layers of interpretation. When my mom orders Chinese take out over
the phone and the person on the other end can't quite understand what she's
saying, she makes the mistake of speaking louder rather than more slowly and
more clearly. This is a mistake that a lot of people make when communicating
with their partner. You may believe that you're communicating an idea as
clearly as you can, but it's totally possible that the person listening has
experiences that are so different from yours that you might as well speak
different languages.
When you talk to your SO (or anyone, for that matter),
remember that you're talking to an individual, someone who is as complicated
and deserving of understanding as you are. The most frustrating kind of
conversation that I have ever had has been the "Yeah, but what I'm saying
is" kind. When communicating, you should seek to be understood but you
should also seek to understand. It is entirely possible that if you were to
take a minute and really think about what your SO is saying, you might realize
that they DO understand you.
This is crucial: express emotions. Don't hold emotions back.
Your SO will be able to tell that you're hiding something, but not necessarily what you're
hiding. Say "I'm feeling really upset right now" or "I'm angry
that you did x" or "I'm really glad you told me about x". This
is not the cold war. You can tell your SO how you feel about something.
Speak without pride. Never go into a discussion believing
that you are absolutely correct and should be listened to no matter what. Even
if your partner has wronged you, they deserve your attention and consideration
(barring, of course, emotionally/physically/verbally abusive relationships!).
You are not more important than your partner, and your partner is not more
important than you. I know that I frustrated the hell out of a lot of my partners
by adhering to the idea that what I had to say didn't matter, that my voice
shouldn't be heard. I had some partners who believed that because they were sad
or angry, their thoughts mattered more. Be open, be humble, be willing to admit
that you were wrong. It's not the end of the world if you were wrong about
something---in fact, it might save your relationship to admit it.
Demonstrate openness physically. Touch your partner in a
caring, relaxed and non-demanding manner (and definitely non-sexual. Don't be
gross.) Touch your partner on the knee or shoulder. Take their hand. Remember
and remind them that you care about them (and not just what you get from them).
Face your partner. Keep your shoulders and hands relaxed. People read body
language and can tell (at least on some level) if you're holding back anger or
not really listening--a lot of that comes across through the way you hold
yourself. You can lie with words, but not with your body. My dad was
emotionally abusive and it's still incredible to me how easily I can detect
tension in people---it's all in the body. Crossing your arms, clenching your
jaw, looking down and away---those are all give aways that you're upset and to
an extent, not receptive.
Use humor. Don't trivialize what your partner is expressing
but try throwing in a tiny joke here and there to dispel that tension. Laugh,
smile, look your partner in the eyes.
Trust. Even if that little voice in your head is telling you
to shut up or keep quiet because your partner is going to laugh or reject you
or hate you forever, trust yourself to care about someone who wouldn't hurt you
like that. It's possible that they WILL do those things, but I promise you, it
is better to trust and get hurt than to not trust and keep everything inside.
Trust in yourself to have valid feelings. Trust yourself to be reasonable, to
be fair, to be loving and kind. You are a good person. Just like you wouldn't
care about someone who didn't have any redeeming qualities, your partner
wouldn't care about you if you weren't a good person.
Give your partner reason to trust you. Just because they do
something wrong doesn't mean it's any less wrong for you to do that thing.
Extend the olive branch. It's always the right thing to do.
Don't interrupt. If you interrupt someone, you might as well
be saying "I don't care what you're saying, listen to me. What I have to
say is more important". Nothing shuts me up faster than my SO interrupting
me. I've spent a lifetime being silenced by other people and it makes me feel
terrible (and unwilling to cooperate) when my SO does that to me. This might
mean letting your partner take time to articulate what they mean. It's
incredibly rewarding for me when I sit there for a full 60 seconds saying
"I mean..." "I don't know.." "It's just..", then actually figure
out what I mean and think and want to say and my partner has given me the
conversational space to do that. I get that it can be frustrating but our
thoughts and feelings are complicated, you can't just expect that everyone will
be able to articulate their thoughts right away. Give them time to figure it
out and you'll both benefit.
Advocate for yourself. You deserve to have your needs met,
but you don't deserve to have someone to meet your needs for you.
Explain to your partner how they can help you achieve your needs. For instance,
sometimes I need to just vent about something to my partner that is unrelated
to our relationship. He used to counter everything I said with a solution until
I told him flat out that I just wanted someone to listen to me. I needed to
vent so I found someone to talk to and I helped him understand how to help me
meet that need.
Ask questions!! This is absolutely the easiest way to get me
to talk about something. If my SO just sits there and goes along with everything
I say, I don't believe that he understands me. It seems like he's bored or
uncomfortable and just wants me to stop talking. If he asks questions, I know
he's engaged in the conversation. I feel more validated and I'm a lot more
likely to be honest about my feelings.
Don't lie. Lying never helps your partner or
your relationship. There may be some things that you don't need to discuss
(like how you hate his favorite tshirt or how she loads the dishwasher
incorrectly) but for the important stuff, don't lie. When you lie to your
partner about serious stuff (like how he's taking his shit out on you or how
she's mean to you when she gets drunk) you're only attempting to protect
yourself. It's hard, but be honest. If you don't respect your partner enough to
be honest, they won't show you that respect either.
Be honest, trust your partner, ditch pride, ask
questions, express emotions, accept fault when you're wrong and treat your
partner like an individual person.
